10 Things to Do When Your Husband Is Texting Another Woman

Co-authored by Allen Wagner, MFT, MA and Amber Crain

Last Updated: September 30, 2021 References

If your husband is texting another woman, it's completely understandable to feel concerned and confused. The best thing to do is have an open, honest discussion with your husband about it—but where do you start? How do you bring it up without upsetting him? What questions should you ask? How do you move forward? We understand, and we're here to help you navigate these issues so you can get some much-needed peace of mind.

Method 1

Method 1 of 9:
Sit with your emotions for a bit before reacting.

0

5

1
You may be feeling scared, upset, or even disgusted right now. These emotions are perfectly understandable and there's nothing wrong with feeling them. That said, really strong emotions like these can accidentally lead you to jump to conclusions or make hurtful accusations that may end up hurting your marriage. Take a few deep breaths, go for a walk, and process your thoughts before confronting your husband.^{[1]
X
Research source} It might also help to gently remind yourself that:
- Texting another woman doesn’t mean your husband is cheating.
- He may have a perfectly plausible reason (she's a friend, coworker, etc.)^{[2]
  X
  Research source}
- You’re a strong woman and you can handle this situation.

Method 2

Method 2 of 9:
Resist the urge to snoop.

0

8

1
Reading his texts and DMs isn’t a healthy way to approach this. It's tempting to go looking for "evidence" that he’s up to something, but try to give your husband the benefit of the doubt. Having a straightforward conversation with him is so much better than violating his privacy (for both of you). Decide if you're going to give your husband the benefit of the doubt, and commit to that decision.^{[3]
X
Research source}
- If you do find proof that he’s cheating, you’ll have to admit that you violated his privacy to get it. An unproductive, heated argument will surely follow.
- If you don’t feel you can ask him and get an honest answer, there may be deeper issues you two should explore with a therapist or marriage counselor.

Method 3

Method 3 of 9:
Bring it up in a calm, non-confrontational way.

0

4

1
Wait for a quiet, relaxed time so you can focus on the discussion. If possible, avoid talking to your husband when he seems stressed, tired, or distracted.^{[4]
X
Trustworthy Source
Understood
Nonprofit organization dedicated to resources and support to people with thinking differences, such as ADHD or dyslexia
Go to source} Wait for a quiet evening after dinner, preferably on the weekend, when you’re both relaxed and open. Then, broach the topic in a direct, calm, and positive way.^{[5]
X
Expert Source

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} You might start by saying something like:
- "I've noticed that you’re texting a lot recently but you never mention who you’re chatting with. Is everything okay?"
- "You've been texting Linda from work a lot lately. Are you guys working on a new project together?"
- "Is everything all right with Amy lately? I know you're BFFs but she’s been texting you more than usual."

Method 4

Method 4 of 9:
Use "I" phrases to explain your feelings.

0

2

1
He's less likely to feel like you’re accusing him of something. “You” statements can come off as accusatory and confrontational. Using “I” statements is a much better way to start a productive conversation with your husband. Try to focus on explaining how the frequent texting makes you feel and why you feel that way.^{[6]
X
Research source} You might try saying things like:
- "I know you and Johanna are work mates, but I feel a little left out sometimes."
- "Sometimes I worry that your friendship with Sarah is more important to you than I am."^{[7]
  X
  Research source}

Method 5

Method 5 of 9:
Listen to his response with an open mind.

0

1

1
Give your husband a chance to explain why he’s texting her. Let him say what he needs to say without interrupting him. If he clams up or trails off, nod and encourage him to continue in a calm, helpful tone of voice. Focus on finding out how he feels about what you’ve said and what his perspective is on the situation.^{[8]
X
Trustworthy Source
Understood
Nonprofit organization dedicated to resources and support to people with thinking differences, such as ADHD or dyslexia
Go to source}
- If he’s talking about his feelings and being open with you, those are positive signs that he isn’t hiding something.^{[9]
  X
  Research source}
- If he immediately shrugs off your concerns, belittles your feelings, or tries to change the topic, those are worrisome signs. Pay attention to his body language, too. Does he seem genuinely concerned? Is he making eye contact?
- If you're worried that he's lying but you can't be certain, pay attention to how he acts moving forward. Does your relationship start to improve? Is he making an effort to reassure you? Does the texting stop or slow down? If things don't improve, you may need to confront him again or rethink your future together.^{[10]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
  Marriage & Family Therapist
  Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.}

Method 6

Method 6 of 9:
Set healthy boundaries if the texting is innocent.

0

6

1
If they’re just friends/coworkers, simple reassurance may do the trick. If the texting feels a little too frequent and you still feel uncomfortable with the situation, discuss possible boundaries or a compromise that makes both of you happy.^{[11]
X
Research source} For example, you might say something like:
- "I totally respect and support your friendship with Maria. I just want to feel like our marriage is top priority. Maybe you can limit your texting to the day time? That way, you and I can focus on each other in the evenings."
- "I understand that you and Michelle work closely together and I know your job is very important to you. Would it be possible to aim for a better work-life balance in the future, though? I'm open to your ideas and I want to help however I can."

Method 7

Method 7 of 9:
Discuss your future if the texting isn't innocent.

0

4

1
If he's cheating, you're going to experience some difficult emotions. You may decide to separate or even divorce your husband, which is perfectly understandable. Your life might change a lot, but you're strong and you can handle this. If your husband wants to save your marriage and you want the same, he needs to break it off with the other woman immediately. Then, you'll need to work together to figure out how to reestablish trust, heal, and move forward as a couple. Every marriage is different, but here are some ideas to get you started:^{[12]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- Identify marital issues that may have contributed to the affair
- Take time to process and understand why the affair happened
- Come up with a plan to restore trust and agree on a timetable
- Focus on the future and figuring out how to forgive him

Method 8

Method 8 of 9:
Reach out to friends and loved ones for support.

0

3

1
Worrying about your marriage is a heavy burden. Even if your husband isn’t doing anything inappropriate, the worry and suspicion of it all can wear you down after a while. Try leaning on trusted friends and family if you need to vent. They may have really helpful advice or perspectives to share with you.^{[13]
X
Research source}
- If religious faith is important to you, speaking to your pastor or minister might be helpful.^{[14]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}

Method 9

Method 9 of 9:
See a licensed marriage counselor as a couple.

0

2

1
A therapist can really help if you're trying to mend your marriage. If your husband cheated but he's committed to staying together, couples therapy can be an invaluable tool on your path to healing.^{[15]
X
Expert Source

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} Be sure to work with a licensed counselor who's trained in marital therapy so you're getting the best support available.^{[16]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- If your husband isn't cheating on you but you’re still struggling with trust or jealousy issues, seeing a therapist solo can help you work through those issues in a healthy way.^{[17]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
  Marriage & Family Therapist
  Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.}
- If he did cheat on you, you still might benefit from solo therapy. For many people, dealing with the aftermath of infidelity is a very traumatic experience. Don't be afraid to get the help you need.^{[18]
  X
  Research source}

Community Q&A

Question

Is couples therapy a good idea?

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Allen Wagner is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles, California. He received his Master's in Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2004. He specializes in working with individuals and couples on ways they can improve their relationships. Along with his wife, Talia Wagner, he's the author of Married Roommates.

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Absolutely! Couples therapy is a great way to really work through the trauma and dysfunction in a relationship and start to rebuild trust.
Question

How do I know if my husband is texting another woman?

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Allen Wagner is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles, California. He received his Master's in Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2004. He specializes in working with individuals and couples on ways they can improve their relationships. Along with his wife, Talia Wagner, he's the author of Married Roommates.

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Ask him directly! Transparency is always the best option if you think there's an issue.