X
This article was co-authored by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden. Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
There are 13 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
Every couple experiences issues from time to time, and your relationship is probably no exception. Figuring out where relationship problems come from can help you work through them together, and it can also help reassure you that what you and your partner are going through is normal. In this article, we’ve compiled 13 of the most common relationship problems for you to read and reflect upon, as well as some helpful advice for improving your relationship and maintaining a long, healthy partnership.
Steps
Method 1
Method 1 of 13:Arguments
Method 1
-
1Small conflicts can turn into big fights in no time. If you don’t bring something up and let it fester in the back of your mind, you might feel really angry or upset by the time you do get to talk about it. Most of the time, when we blow up at our partners, we’re covering up our true feelings of sadness or hurt. Try to dive deeper into your emotions, and uncover why you’re really upset.[1] [2]
- For instance, when you and your partner argue about doing the dishes, is it really about the dishes? Or is it more about your partner not respecting your shared living space?
- Or, when you accuse your partner of not taking you out enough, is it really that you like going on fancy dates, or do you want your partner to pay more attention to you?
Advertisement
Method 2
Method 2 of 13:Poor Communication
Method 2
-
1Good communication is the foundation to a solid, healthy relationship. When communication breaks down, that’s when a lot of relationship issues can float to the surface. If you and your partner can’t talk to each other (or you feel like there are some things you can’t bring up), your disagreements can explode into huge arguments. Whenever you feel an issue arising, bring it up with your partner quickly, and don’t let it fester into something big.[3]
- How you say things matters just as much as what you say. If, for instance, you’re talking to your partner about a problem, you might say, “When you leave for the night and don’t tell me, I feel worried,” instead of, “You always leave without telling me where you’re going.”
- The first option sounds less accusatory, and it can lead to a more productive conversation.[4]
- Communication is tough, but the more you practice it, the better you’ll get.
Method 3
Method 3 of 13:Infidelity
Method 3
-
1If you are in a monogamous relationship, an affair can take a toll. Stepping outside of the relationship is one of the top reasons that couples end up getting divorced.[5] While it’s not impossible to recover from an affair, it definitely takes a lot of hard work and time, and it can be tough to do on your own without a couple’s counselor.[6]
- Forgiving your partner for cheating might feel impossible in the moment, but you can do it eventually if you both work hard on reinstating the trust in your relationship.
Advertisement
Method 4
Method 4 of 13:Seeking Validation
Method 4
-
1When you question your partner’s love, it can start to wear on them. It’s normal to need a bit of reassurance from your partner every now and then, but if it’s an everyday question, that’s when problems start to arise. The need for reassurance often stems from low self-esteem, which you can work on privately by going to therapy and boosting your self-image.[7]
- Feeling insecure about your relationship is fairly common, and it’s something all of us will feel at some point. However, getting that security is a wonderful thing, and feeling like you and your partner are healthy and stable can make you both much happier.
- If your partner is the insecure one in the relationship, try to reassure them as much as possible, but encourage them to talk to a mental health professional, too. They may need to address some underlying issues before they can have a healthy relationship with you.
Method 5
Method 5 of 13:Lack of Appreciation
Method 5
-
1In long-term relationships, you might stop expressing your appreciation regularly. It’s normal for couples to get used to everything the other does for them, but that doesn’t make it feel good. If you feel like you’re being taken for granted, it can lead to a lot of resentment that wears your relationship down over time. Try to work on it by appreciating your partner and talking with them when you feel like your efforts are going unnoticed.[8]
- For instance, you might say, “Hey, could we talk? I wanted to mention that I’m feeling a little taken for granted in our relationship. Can you make an effort to show that you appreciate all that I do for us?”
Advertisement
Method 6
Method 6 of 13:Jealousy
Method 6
-
1Couples often fight about someone overstepping their boundaries. Everyone feels jealous from time to time, but it can become a problem when jealousy leads to controlling behavior. If your partner tries to limit who you talk to or goes through your phone, it’s time to address their jealousy issues.[9] [10]
- Jealousy can be tough to work out as a couple. If you need to, consider visiting a couple’s counselor for an outside opinion.
- Keep in mind that sometimes we feel jealous for good reason. If your partner is doing things that make you uncomfortable, sit down with them and define the boundaries of your relationship again.
Method 7
Method 7 of 13:Intimacy
Method 7
-
1How many times has your partner wanted to have sex, but you didn’t? Or maybe it’s the opposite—you might feel like you’re constantly approaching your partner and getting turned down. It’s important to talk about sex outside the bedroom and set realistic expectations for the future. You can mention how often you’d like to have sex and what puts you in the mood to improve both of your sex lives.[11]
- For instance, you might say, “I need a little bit of romance to turn me on. Maybe start out by giving me a massage or cooking me dinner first.”
- Sex can feel like a taboo subject, but talking about it can seriously improve you and your partners’ relationship.
Advertisement
Method 8
Method 8 of 13:Money
Method 8
-
1This is one of the biggest things that couples tend to fight about. When you get into a long-term relationship and combine your finances, you and your partner will most likely have differing opinions about what to spend your money on. The good news is that by planning ahead and setting solid goals for your money, you and your partner can compromise about how to spend, how to save, and what to splurge on.[12]
- Budgeting can be a very helpful tool to minimize money issues. Try sitting down with your partner and making a plan to set aside a certain amount each month.
Method 9
Method 9 of 13:Passive-Aggressiveness
Method 9
-
1Giving your partner the cold shoulder can feel good in the moment. But, when it comes to solving issues, turning passive-aggressive (saying “I’m fine” when you’re not or “forgetting” to do something you don’t want to do) only makes issues worse. If you feel yourself starting to fall into the trap of being passive-aggressive, sit down with your partner and talk about your issues. It’s important to get things out into the open so they don’t fester behind the scenes.[13]
- You can bring up any issues by saying something like, “Honey, I’ve been thinking a lot about what happened the other day and I can’t stop ruminating on it. Could we sit down and have a conversation?”
- On the flip side, maybe your partner is the one being passive-aggressive. In that case, you can sit them down and say something like, “I can tell that you’re upset about something, and I really want to talk about it. Can you help me figure out how we can make this right?”
Advertisement
Method 10
Method 10 of 13:Housework
Method 10
-
1If you feel like you’re doing too much, you might get resentful. Although it’s not super fun to talk about, if you and your partner live together, you’re going to have to have the chore conversation. You might find that splitting things 50/50 works well for you, or you might find that one person picking up the slack is a little easier. Make sure you keep talking until you find a solution that’s right for both of you.[14]
- You can start the conversation by saying something like, “Could we have a discussion about chores? I’d like to nail down who does what around the house every week. That way, we don’t have to argue about stuff not getting done.”
Method 11
Method 11 of 13:Feeling Ignored
Method 11
-
1Your partner might be distracted or not really listening to you. If you’ve ever tried to tell your partner something and got snubbed for their phone or tablet, you probably know how bad that can feel. Fortunately, you can work on it by communicating with your partner and setting boundaries. You might even suggest that you and your partner unplug and put down the technology during date nights to help foster communication.[15]
- For example, you might say, “How about during dinner, we leave our phones in the living room? I think it would be fun to take a break from technology once a day and have a nice conversation instead.”
Advertisement
Method 12
Method 12 of 13:Extended Family Relationships
Method 12
-
1Many people don’t get along with their partners’ parents. Although you can avoid them for quite a while, around the holidays, you’re probably going to have to interact. You can talk with your partner about setting boundaries with their parents to make you feel more comfortable. Over time, as you work on your relationship, hanging out with the in-laws should get easier.[16]
- For instance, if your partner’s parents always overstay their welcome, you might say something like, “This year, let's arrange for your parents to stay for only one week instead of two. I love their company, but I can’t handle houseguests for that long.”
Method 13
Method 13 of 13:Substance Use and Abuse
Method 13
-
1Drug and alcohol use can weaken any relationship. Things like that take up money and time, both of which could be spent on your partner (or doing things with your partner). If you’re worried about how your spouse spends their time or their money, you can sit down with them and have a conversation about it. However, keep in mind that if your partner is addicted to something, they need to want to change before they actually do.[17]
- You might say something like, “Honey, I’m a little worried about your drinking habits lately. It seems like you’re spending more and more time at the bar. Is everything okay?”
Advertisement
Community Q&A
-
QuestionWhat are big issues in relationships?
Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPCDr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
Licensed Professional CounselorCommunication issues are some of the biggest problems in relationships. For instance, one partner might say "Why don't you ever do the dishes?" when they actually mean to say "Why am I always doing the dishes? The weight of this responsibility doesn't feel evenly balanced."
References
- ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.
- ↑ https://ideas.ted.com/most-couples-need-to-be-fighting-more-not-less-heres-why-and-how-to-do-it/
- ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
- ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4012696/
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201401/the-9-most-common-relationship-mistakes
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201401/the-9-most-common-relationship-mistakes
- ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5380380/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/201303/how-couples-can-cope-different-libidos-sexual-desire
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/money/conflict
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201401/the-9-most-common-relationship-mistakes
- ↑ https://ideas.ted.com/how-to-split-the-chores-with-your-partner-minus-the-drama-and-fighting/
- ↑ https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/releases/how-smartphones-affect-relationships.html
- ↑ https://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-2021/getting-along-with-in-laws.html
- ↑ https://www.aamft.org/Consumer_Updates/Substance_Abuse_and_Intimate_Relationships.aspx
About This Article
Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
This article was co-authored by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden. Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
Co-authors: 4
Updated: November 29, 2021
Views: 952
Categories: Relationship Issues
Advertisement
