How to Know if Your Long Distance Partner Is Serious

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Last Updated: October 5, 2021 References

It’s easy to be super lovey-dovey with your partner when you have them near and dear. But what if they live an hour away—or worse, halfway across the country? While every relationship takes commitment, long-distance ones can take even more. That doesn’t mean you and your partner can’t make it work, it just means you both need to be serious about it. Luckily, there are a few signs and clues you can look for confirm whether or not your partner is fully committed. To help you do it, we’ve put together a list of things you can keep an eye out.

Method 1

Method 1 of 13:
They make time for you no matter what.

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If you’re a priority, then they’re serious. Pay attention to whether or not your partner sets aside some time each day to touch base with you, even if it’s just to say good morning or good night. If they feel close to you and invested in your relationship, they’ll always be ready to talk to you whenever they can.^{[1]
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- Even if you’re in different time zones, if your partner is committed to staying in touch with you, they’ll make time for it.^{[2]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
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Method 2

Method 2 of 13:
They ask about your day.

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If they’re serious, they’ll want to know even the small details. Sure, your partner will also want to know about big events such as promotions and accomplishments you’re proud of, but they’ll also want to know the little things.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Take note if they ask about what you had for breakfast, how traffic was, and how you felt throughout the day. It’s a sign they really care about you.^{[4]
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- Even if a lot of your communication is over text, short messages like, “Hey, what are you getting for lunch? I’m super curious” can carry deeper significance.

Method 3

Method 3 of 13:
They tell you about their thoughts and feelings.

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Your conversations should go deeper than checking in. If your partner doesn’t shy away from letting you know what’s going on with them internally, it’s a great sign. They should want to tell you if they’re feeling happy, sad, worried, anxious, or any other emotion they could be feeling. If you ask them what they think about something, they’ll tell you the truth and won’t give vague or dismissive responses.^{[5]
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- For instance, if you ask them how a meeting at work went and they say, “Well, it was okay, but I’m worried I didn’t make a good impression with my manager so I guess it could have been better” instead of “It was okay” then it’s a good sign!
- It’s totally normal to just have short check-in messages or calls while you’re both busy during the day, but when you do get a chance to really talk, you should get more in-depth with each other.^{[6]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
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Method 4

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They talk about the future with you.

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If they have concrete plans, it’s a sign they want to be with you long-term.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Ask them where they hope to be with you in the future or where they’d like your relationship to go. If they talk about moving in together or trips and places they want to take you to, then they see you as someone they want to keep in their lives.^{[8]
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- For example, they might say, “There’s this cheap Mexican restaurant I found the other day and I can’t wait to take you to it. We’ll have so much fun!” That’s a great sign. It means they’re thinking of you in the present and in the future.
- Future plans should be more than just daydreaming, though. If they say, “I can’t wait to finish up school so I can get a job in the city and we can get a place together” that’s much stronger than, “Maybe we can move in together some day.”

Method 5

Method 5 of 13:
They tell their family about you.

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It means they want you more involved in their life. When a relationship gets really serious, your partner will want you to meet their parents and siblings. It’s a sign that they care about you and their committed.^{[9]
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- If you get along well with their family, try staying in touch with them as well. They may make you feel a little less lonely with your partner far away.
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Method 6

Method 6 of 13:
They tell you they miss you and can’t wait to see you.

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If they think about you all the time, they won’t be able to help it. Even though it’s sad and tough when you miss the person you care about, it’s also a good sign! If your partner truly misses you, they’ll tell you. It means they care about you and are serious about being with you.^{[10]
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- If your partner is constantly bringing up how much they miss you, it’s a safe bet that they care about you and your relationship.

Method 7

Method 7 of 13:
They make the effort to visit you.

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Actions often speak louder than words. It’s great to hear how much your partner misses you, but in the end, they’ve got to follow through with it. If they take every chance they get to see you, whether that means them coming to you or arranging so you can come to them, it’s a great sign.^{[11]
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- If they keep blowing off every break or chance they get to see you, it could mean they’re just not as invested as you are.
- Reconnecting and being together can also reignite the romantic flame and remind each other why you’re willing to go through a long-distance relationship.^{[12]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
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Method 8

Method 8 of 13:
They aren’t possessive or controlling.

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A committed partner will give you your space when you need it. Sure, in a long-distance relationship you already have plenty of space. But if your partner is serious, they won’t have any problems with you going out with friends or doing activities that keep you from communicating with them for a bit. They’ll want you to be happy and if they get really jealous or try to stop you from having fun, then it’s not a good sign.^{[13]
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- Allowing you to have your space is a sign that your partner trusts you, which means they’re committed to your relationship and care about your happiness.

Method 9

Method 9 of 13:
They keep the promises they make.

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If they constantly have excuses, it could be a sign they aren’t serious. Pay attention to how your partner honors their commitments. If they really care about you and are serious about making a long-distance relationship work, they’ll stand by their word.^{[14]
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- If your partner says they’ll call you at 6, and then 6:30 rolls around and they have a weak reason for blowing you off, then they may not be fully invested in your relationship.
- Of course, things can sometimes come up and they may have to break their plans with you. But if it happens all of the time and their excuses are shady, it’s not a great sign.
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Method 10

Method 10 of 13:
They don’t keep any secrets from you.

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Trust is huge, especially in a long-distance relationship. Your partner should want to tell you everything that’s going on with them including who they’re spending time with and what they’re up to. If they’re behaving strangely or refusing to tell you who they’re with or what they’re doing, it’s a big red flag.^{[15]
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- That goes for social media, too. If your partner is keeping certain posts, images, or anything else hidden from you, it could mean they’re not very serious about your relationship.

Method 11

Method 11 of 13:
You’re both able to resolve any arguments.

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A strong relationship will survive fights and disagreements. Arguments are completely normal in any relationship, including long-distance ones. The key is that both you and your partner are willing to work through them and still want to be together. If your partner refuses to talk about a problem or admit to it, it may mean they aren’t committed to making your relationship work.^{[16]
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Method 12

Method 12 of 13:
They get excited about your accomplishments.

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Even from a distance, support is super important. Your partner should be your greatest cheerleader! Whenever you tell them about something good that happened to you, they should get excited. It’s a sign that they care about you and your happiness.^{[17]
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- For instance, if you mention that you aced a test and your partner calls you to shout, “Congratulations! I’m so proud of you!” then yeah, they’re a keeper.

Method 13

Method 13 of 13:
Talk them about your relationship if you’re unsure.

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Communication is key in any serious relationship.^{[18]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} While you can look for signs and clues that your partner is committed to making your long-distance relationship work, the truth is you need to talk to them about it, too. Ask them how they feel about your relationship and if they think it’s working. Find out if there’s something the both of you can do to make things better. It can take a lot of the guess-work out of the equation.^{[19]
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Community Q&A

Question

How do you keep a vibe in a long distance relationship?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist, Author, and TV/radio host based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli is currently in private practice and specializes in individual and couples' relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. As an author, she received a Next Generation Indie Book Award for her book "Thriving with ADHD: A Workbook for Kids" and also wrote "Professor Kelli's Guide to Finding a Husband". Kelli was a host on LA Talk Radio, a relationship expert for The Examiner, and speaks globally. You can also see her work on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/kellibmiller, Instagram @kellimillertherapy, and her website: www.kellimillertherapy.com. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

You should always focus on each person having their own individual life filled with hobbies and passions. It's never a good idea to make your whole life revolve around your partner, be it a long distance relationship or not. Remember that having passions is something that makes us desirable and attractive to our partners.