How to Fix a Sexless Marriage

Written by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC | Edited by Hannah Madden

Last Updated: December 20, 2021 References

It’s totally natural for sex to get less frequent over time. But if your sex life has ground to a halt, it might be time to talk about it with your partner and work on reconnecting. Read through this article to learn how you can broach the subject with your spouse, as well as some ways you can get the spark back in your marriage.

This article is based off an interview with our licensed marriage and family therapist, Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Check out the full interview here.

Method 1

Method 1 of 12:
Pick a time to talk when you’re both feeling calm.

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If either of you is stressed or angry, you won’t have a productive conversation. Sit down with your spouse when you’ve both had a chance to unwind, and pick a private place where you can both talk freely. Then, talk about how you’ve been feeling lately.^{[1]
X
Expert Source

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.}
- You might say something like, “Hey, do you have time to talk? I wanted to chat about our sex life, just so we can get on the same page.”
- It can feel a little bit awkward to bring up sex with your spouse, but it’s important to chat about it so you’re on the same page. Try to push through any hesitation you might feel, and work together to have a loving, productive conversation.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 12:
Use “I” statements.

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This will make your partner feel less defensive. Instead of putting the blame on your partner, let them know how you’ve been feeling by framing things around your emotions. That way, you and your spouse can work together to fix the issue instead of getting defensive with each other.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.}
- For example, instead of saying, “You always reject me,” try, “When I initiate and you reject me without an explanation, it makes me feel unwanted.”
- Instead of saying, “You don’t make time for me,” try, “When you make time for other things but not me, it makes me feel like I’m not a priority.”

Method 3

Method 3 of 12:
Listen to your partner’s perspective.

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Give your spouse time to talk and express their feelings. Communication goes both ways, and it’s very important that you let them speak without interrupting. Give them your full attention, and ask follow-up questions to show that you’re listening.^{[3]
X
Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.}
- Ask things like, “Can you explain more about that?” or, “Interesting. Can you tell me more?”
- You can also paraphrase what they’ve said to make sure you understand. Say something like, “So what I hear you saying is…”
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Method 4

Method 4 of 12:
Address any underlying issues in the marriage.

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Oftentimes, a lack of sex is caused by something deeper. For example, if your spouse is stressed about work, kids, or responsibilities, they might be feeling too frazzled to get in the mood. Or, if your partner feels like there’s no spark left in your relationship, they might need a little extra romance in their life. Listen closely to what your spouse is saying, and work together to find the underlying problem.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Nicole Moore
Love & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}
- If your spouse is feeling stressed, work on doing stress-relieving activities together, like a massage or a spa day. Pick up some slack in the household by taking on more chores or taking care of the kids more.
- If the spark has been fading in your marriage, pretend like you’re dating again, and take your spouse out on the town. Remind them of your love for one another to get your sex life back on track.
- Some issues run deep, and they might not get solved in a single instance. Be prepared to work things out over a long period of time to adjust your relationship.

Method 5

Method 5 of 12:
Reconnect on an emotional level.

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A lack of emotional intimacy might be the cause of your lack of sex. If you two have been together for a while, you might both be feeling a little distant from each other, which is totally normal. Make an effort to connect emotionally: have deep talks about your feelings and show each other that you appreciate one another.^{[5]
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Research source}
- It’s a good idea to set aside a distraction-free time to talk every day.^{[6]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
  Marriage & Family Therapist
  Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} Don’t talk about anything that has to do with your responsibilities, and just check in with each other by asking things like, “How are you doing today?” or, “What’s been on your mind lately?”
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Method 6

Method 6 of 12:
Talk about your love languages.

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Your love language is how you express and receive love. Figuring out yours and your spouse’s can really help bridge the communication gap. Take a look at the 5 love languages: physical touch, words of affirmation, gift giving, quality time, and acts of service. Then, figure out your love language and your partner's and start expressing love that way.^{[7]
X
Expert Source

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.}
- For example, if your partner’s love language is physical touch, you can show you love them by giving them a long hug at the end of the day.
- If their love language is gift giving, you might pick them up a bouquet of flowers next time you’re at the farmer’s market.

Method 7

Method 7 of 12:
Reminisce about the past.

1
Talk about your sex life when you two first started dating. You don’t have to compare your sex life now to the past (since that can feel a little shame-y), but try to remind your spouse of the good times you two had. This can kickstart their desire for you, and it might even give you some ideas of things to recreate in the bedroom.^{[8]
X
Expert Source

Nicole Moore
Love & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}
- For instance, you might say, “Remember that weekend trip we took for our 1 year anniversary? I don’t even think we left the hotel room that entire time.”
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Method 8

Method 8 of 12:
Add a little romance into your routine.

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Some people can’t get into the mood if they don’t feel loved. Try to romance your spouse by writing them a love note, complimenting them, or taking care of the kids so they can have a day to themselves.^{[9]
X
Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} This can really get your spouse in the mood, and you might find that they’re excited to have sex again after you do something romantic.
- Things like a couple’s massage, planning a vacation, or cooking them dinner would be a great way to add a little romance into your time together.^{[10]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
  Marriage & Family Therapist
  Expert Interview. 18 September 2019.}

Method 9

Method 9 of 12:
Compare your sexual fantasies.

1
Maybe your partner has something that they’d like to try in the bedroom. If your spouse is comfortable with it, sit down with them and talk about what they’ve always wanted to try. You definitely don’t have to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with, but it can be nice to do something new to spice things up.^{[11]
X
Expert Source

Nicole Moore
Love & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}
- You can bring this up by saying, “Honey, is there anything you’ve always wanted to try with me? I’m open to trying new things, and I’d love to hear if you have any fantasies.”
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Method 10

Method 10 of 12:
Spend time on foreplay.

1
Make the buildup to having sex exciting to get your spouse in the mood. Spend time kissing, caressing, and touching your spouse everywhere, before you even take their clothes off. For many people, foreplay is an essential part of having sex—without it, they can’t get turned on or enjoy themselves later.^{[12]
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Research source}
- If you aren’t sure what your spouse likes during foreplay, ask them! Try questions like, “What do I do that turns you on?” and, “Do you like it when I do this?” Then, follow their lead and any instructions they give you.

Method 11

Method 11 of 12:
Take a weekend away together.

1
Sometimes the stress of being at home can distract from sex. If you and your spouse haven’t gotten away together for a while, plan a vacation for just the two of you. Spend the weekend reconnecting and having fun together, like you did when you first started dating.^{[13]
X
Expert Source

Nicole Moore
Love & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}
- Try not to expect that your spouse will want to have sex the whole time, though. Focus on connecting emotionally so you don’t pressure them into anything they don’t want to do.
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Method 12

Method 12 of 12:
Try marriage counseling if you need to.

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Not all marriage problems can be worked through alone, and that’s okay. If you’ve tried a few things and they aren’t working, try making an appointment with a couple’s counselor. They can listen to your specific issues and find actionable, specific ways that you can include more intimacy within your marriage.^{[14]
X
Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.}
- Couples counselors also provide an unbiased third-party opinion about your marriage, which can be nice.