How to Fix Intimacy Issues in a Relationship

Last Updated: December 24, 2021 References

Even the strongest couples go through rough patches. If you and your partner are dealing with intimacy issues in your relationship, know that these are normal and totally fixable. In fact, if you get to the root of the issue together, your relationship may become stronger than it ever was before. This article is here to help you understand the reasons you might be dealing with intimacy issues. We've also got some advice on how to build emotional and physical intimacy so that the two of you can strengthen your relationship and get closer once again.

Question 1

Question 1 of 3:
Reasons for Intimacy Issues in a Relationship

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You or your partner might not be communicating enough. Part of establishing intimacy in a relationship is feeling comfortable talking about your needs and desires with each other. If one or both of you don't feel like they can open up and express their feelings, you might start to feel distant from each other.^{[1]
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- Sometimes, this is the result of a lack of trust in the relationship. If the two of you haven't been together for very long or one of you recently broke the other's trust, you might struggle to open up to each other.
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You or your partner might have a fear of intimacy. Sometimes, past relationships or childhood experiences can cause you to fear getting close to someone. Even if you have a new partner that is supportive and loving, you may still fear getting close to them because of these negative experiences in your past.^{[2]
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- If you or your partner are grappling with a fear of intimacy, a therapist or a counselor can help you work through these past experiences. That way, they will no longer affect your current relationships.
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You or your partner have children together. Starting a family is a wonderful thing, but it is also a big change that can alter your relationship as a couple. Things like different parenting styles, busy schedules, and worries about finances and bills might get in the way of your ability to feel close to each other.^{[3]
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You or your partner may be dealing with mental health issues. Depression, anxiety, and body image issues like body dysmorphia can all influence your ability to feel close to your partner. These conditions can make you feel insecure or isolated, even if you have a loving, supportive partner.^{[4]
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- It's totally possible to have a healthy relationship while struggling with your mental health. A therapist can help you work through your feelings and come up with some coping strategies.
- Sexual performance anxiety can also cause a lack of intimacy in a relationship. Things like deep breathing, learning to trust your partner, and talking with a therapist can all help if you or your partner are dealing with this.

Question 2

Question 2 of 3:
How to Build Emotional Intimacy

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Communicate with each other openly. To get closer, open up to your partner about how you're feeling and encourage them to do the same. Talk about your days (the good and the bad) and what's on your mind. You might also try divulging secrets and talking about your past to strengthen your bond.^{[5]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.}
- You might say, "I had a kind of rough day. Can I vent to you a little bit?" or "You mentioned you were having a tough time at work this morning. Did you want to talk about it?"
- When you're talking about secrets or your past, it's best to approach the conversation with respect and kindness. Start slow if you haven't talked about your past much (especially regarding your past relationships).
- To start things off, say something like, "Did I ever tell you I used to go dancing every weekend in college? I had some pretty wild experiences. What kind of stuff did you do on the weekends back then?"
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Be honest and direct when conflict comes up. It can be difficult to bring up issues in a relationship, but it's necessary so you can work through things together and get both of your needs met. To make things easier, try leading with the positive to avoid making your partner feel defensive. Then, use I-statements that emphasize how their behavior makes you feel. Ask your partner about their perspective so you can find a solution that works best for both of you.^{[6]
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Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 2020 July 21.}
- You might start with something like, "I'm so lucky to have you" or "This relationship makes me so happy."
- Follow that with an I-statement about how you're feeling, such as, "I sometimes feel a little hurt when you don't ask me about my day. I understand that you're busy, but I like talking to you and wish we could catch up more often."
- After you've expressed your feelings, give your partner a chance to share how they feel about what you said.
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Express gratitude for your relationship. Part of establishing emotional intimacy is talking about the good stuff, too. Tell your partner how grateful you are for them, and do it often. Encouragement like this can help the two of you remember not to take each other for granted, and it might even increase your positive feelings for each other.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 2020 July 21.}
- You might say something like, "You're such a generous and kind person. I'm so happy to have you in my life 🙂"
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Talk to a couple's counselor if you'd like some outside help. There's no shame in seeking some guidance from a therapist. If you're grappling with a loss of intimacy because of an affair or the two of you have simply hit a block in communication, a therapist can provide a helpful perspective. If you're interested, look online for a couple's counselor in your area and set up a consultation.^{[8]
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- A couple's counselor can help you both get to the root of your intimacy issues if you're not sure what's been causing them. They can also give you specific tools to reestablish intimacy in your relationship, like new communication techniques.

Question 3

Question 3 of 3:
How to Foster Physical Intimacy

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Touch more frequently. If you and your partner have been struggling with physical intimacy issues, try being more intentional with your physical touch. Things like hugging, holding hands, and kissing can help the two of you feel more comfortable around each other again.
- Try greeting your partner with a hug when they get home from work or holding hands as you walk together. Small gestures like this can make a big difference in how close you feel to your partner.
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Talk about your desires and fantasies. Set aside some time outside the bedroom to talk about your sex life. Try your best to be honest with each other about what you really want, and approach the conversation with kindness and an open mind. Talking about these subjects together can help the two of you learn new things and feel attracted to each other again.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.}
- Pick a quiet time when the two of you don't have any distractions to bring up the subject. You might talk about it while you're eating dinner together at your apartment, for example.
- You might say something like, "I've always been kinda curious about roleplaying. Do you have any fantasies you've wanted to try?"
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Experiment and try new things together. After you've talked about your fantasies and desires, try them out to reinvigorate your sex life. Sharing new experiences like this encourages the two of you to get more vulnerable with each other. You might also discover new things about each other, like turn-ons you never knew you had.^{[10]
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Nicole Moore
Love & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}
- Only do what you're comfortable with. Your partner should never make you feel pressured to try something that you don't want to do. There are plenty of other ways to get closer to each other again!
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Make physical intimacy a part of your schedule no matter how busy you are. Between work and responsibilities at home, sometimes physical intimacy and sex can seem like they're not as important. Physical intimacy is a huge part of many people's ability to feel close with their partner, though, which makes it vital to your relationship. Try to set aside time to be physically close with your partner so that the two of you don't feel so distant anymore.
- If you're working conflicting schedules, for example, find a time when you're both free and schedule a date night. Scheduling might not feel so romantic, but it's necessary if the two of you are both super busy.
- Arrange to set aside some alone time as a couple if the two of you have kids.