How to Decline a Date

Co-authored by Laura Bilotta

Last Updated: May 25, 2021 References

Declining a date can be a sensitive task. You don't want to go on a date with this person, but you also want to avoid hurting his or her feelings. Be firm, but also be compassionate. Don't go into too much detail. Let the "no" stand for itself.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 7 July 2020.}

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:
Being Firm

1
Say "no." Be polite about it, but be equally clear that you aren't going to go on a date with this person. Don't beat around the bush. If you're sure, then be sure. Say exactly what you mean.
- If you feel bad, say, "I'm sorry, but I don't want to go on a date with you," or "I'm sorry, but I'm not interested." Make yourself absolutely clear. You don't need to apologize for not being interested, but it might make the words go over more easily.
- If you wan to make a quick excuse, then say, "I already have plans," or "I have a boy/girlfriend." Be careful: if you lie, then you might be found out. If you don't make it clear that you aren't interested, then the person might ask you out again.
- If the person has asked you out disrespectfully, then you don't need to make any bones about saying no. Just say, "no," or "I'm not interested."
2
Don't lead the person on.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 7 July 2020.} You don't want this person to believe that he/she has a "chance" with you. If you leave things open, then you may need to decline another date down the line. Make a clean break so that this person can deal with his/her feelings and move on with life.^{[3]
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- Make sure to actually say the word "no." You might also say, "I don't want to go on a date with you," or "I'm not interested." Be as explicit as possible.
3
Ask your friends for backup. If a person won't leave you alone, then do not hesitate to ask for help. Call a friend or a family member to come help you get out of the situation.
- In extreme cases, if you feel very unsafe, then you may need to call the police or get a restraining order. Only do this if someone is threatening you or making you feel otherwise violated.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:
Being Graceful

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Be compassionate. You absolutely have the right to say no if you aren't interested. That said: you don't need to be cruel in order to decline a date. Try to empathize with the person. Be kind and straightforward.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 7 July 2020.}
- Say, "I know how it feels, and I feel bad to let you down like this."
- Say, "I hope we can still be friends. I'm not interested in you romantically, but I do truly value you as a human being."^{[5]
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- Think of a time when you felt rejected. Consider what you can do to make the rejection less harsh.
2
Try not to go too deep. The more of a connection you make with a person, the harder it can be to brush off his/her offer of a date. Keep your conversation light. Focus on broad and basic topics. That said: you may need to get serious if you are asked out by a friend or someone that you already know well.
3
Suggest someone else. If it feels right, mention someone you know that you think would adore the person that you declined. Offer to introduce this person to someone that you think he/she would like. Be aware that this is only appropriate in situations where a person is asking you out casually.
- If a friend or acquaintance is absolutely in love with you and asks you out, then it may not be kind to immediately suggest an alternative. Be compassionate and respectful.
- If a stranger strikes up a conversation in the supermarket and asks you on a date, then this might be the perfect opportunity to set him/her up with a friend of yours. Make sure that you're suggesting a match that might actually work – not just making an excuse to escape.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:
Explaining Your Reasons

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Be straightforward. If a person asks you plainly for a date, try to respect him/her enough to give an honest and straightforward answer. Saying, "I like you as a friend but I'm not interested in you romantically," may sting a bit, but it's far less hurtful than leading someone on. In most cases, the most compassionate thing you can do is tell the truth.^{[6]
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2
Don't go into too much detail. All you really need to say is, "No," or "I'm not interested." If possible, avoid qualifying your "no." it is not productive to tell the person exactly why you don't want to go out with him or her. If you give reasons, then you give the asker a chance to defend his/her offer – and you might hurt his/her self-esteem.^{[7]
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- In some cases, a person may explicitly ask you for reasons. "Why won't you go out with me?" If you are pushed, then feel free to give a few reasons – but keep them broad: "I don't want to go out with you because you're making me feel uncomfortable," or "I don't want to go out with you because I'm interested in someone else."
- There is no sense in hurting someone's feelings and shooting down his/her self-esteem. It would be cruel to say, "I don't want to go out with you because you're short," or "I won't go out with you because you have bad teeth."
3
Be honest. Give a general but truthful reason for your "no": e.g. "I don't want to date anyone right now" or "I'm only dating so-and-so right now." Don't lie! When the truth comes out, the person's feelings might be hurt. If you are genuine, kind, and straightforward in your rejection, it will be hard for anyone to find fault in your actions.
- Try to focus on your feelings rather than faults, which will spare their feelings.^{[8]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Laura Bilotta
  Dating Coach & Matchmaker
  Expert Interview. 7 July 2020.}
- An exception is if a stranger asks you out and you want to quickly get away from the situation. In this case, don't feel bad about lying and giving an excuse, such as, "I have a boyfriend." The stranger won't know.^{[9]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Laura Bilotta
  Dating Coach & Matchmaker
  Expert Interview. 7 July 2020.}

Community Q&A

Question

How do you decline a date from someone but still stay friends?

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Laura Bilotta is a Dating Coach, Matchmaker and the Founder of Single in the City, her dating and relationship coaching service based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. With over 18 years of date coaching experience, Laura specializes in dating etiquette, relationships, and human behavior. She is the host of the Dating and Relationship Radio Talk Show on AM640 and on Apple Podcasts. She is also the author of "Single in the City: From Hookups & Heartbreaks To Love & Lifemates, Tales & Tips To Attract Your Perfect Match."

Laura Bilotta

Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Answer

Try to be as honest and kind as possible. Gently explain that you don't think the two of you would be a good romantic fit, but you still think they're an awesome person. Then, let them know that you'd like to remain friends.
Question

What happens if I gave him a chance accidentally, but still want to reject him?

Community Answer

Tell him the truth. You do not have to go out with anyone you don't want to.
Question

What do I say if I have to decline because my parents say I'm not old enough?

Community Answer

Just be honest, so the person knows it's not because you don't like him/her. Explain that while you appreciate the invitation, your parents will not allow you to go out.
Question

What should I do if I feel uncomfortable on a date?

Community Answer

If you feel uncomfortable, then you should decide if you want to leave. If the other person seems to be genuinely trying to make conversation, stay and wait until the end to be polite. If s/he asks you on another date, you can decline. However, if you feel uncomfortable because that person is looking at you or talking to you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, you have every right to leave then and there.
Question

A guy likes me, but I already have a boyfriend, and our school doesn't allow dating. He's a really nice guy. What should I do?

Community Answer

Be as polite as you can. Tell him you're already with a boyfriend, but he can still be a friend.
Question

This guy who has a crush on me just won't take no for an answer! What should I do?

Tom De Backer

Top Answerer

It's definitely not your fault, you'll need to increase the harshness of your answer until he gets it. Don't insult, but be firm: "Look, I told you no, I don't like the idea of going on a date with you. Stop asking me. You're becoming a stalker." Also, at this point, you need to involve others. Let your parents know, a teacher, a coworker, a neighbor. You can do this straight up: "Hey, neighbor, we don't talk much, but I have this guy who's stalking me, so if you get suspicious, will you please call the police?" Nothing this guy does is your fault. Call the police yourself (not the emergency number) and file a complaint.

Warnings

Flirting with others while out with a group may make the asker jealous, insecure, or angry. Ensure he/she is told it's just a bunch of friends getting together.

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If s/he is following you around, avoid the places where they often find you. Try not to engage with him/her – don't feed it. If you feel very uncomfortable, consider asking someone for help.

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