Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn? 14 Things It Might Mean & How to Talk to Him About It

Co-authored by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC and Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA

Last Updated: November 18, 2021 References

You might be feeling a mix of emotions after learning that your boyfriend watches porn. All of your feelings are valid, and you’re not alone. There are several reasons why your boyfriend might be watching porn, and he may be open to changing his habits if that’s what you ultimately want. We’re here to help you figure out why your boyfriend might be watching porn. We’ll also offer some suggestions for how to talk to him about it.

Method 1

Method 1 of 14:
He enjoys watching porn.

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His decision to use porn likely has nothing to do with you. It can be painful to know your boyfriend wants to watch other people to get sexual stimulation, but it doesn't mean he thinks you're unattractive. It’s totally normal to feel betrayed and to question if you’re enough for him. However, don’t let this trick you into thinking you’re not an attractive, amazing partner—you are.^{[1]
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- Sometimes porn can bring up your own personal insecurities, which makes you feel bad about yourself.^{[2]
  X
  Research source} It may help to talk to your boyfriend about that. You might say, “Finding out you watch porn just reminds me of my flaws. I can’t help but wonder if you want to see women with bigger breasts or no stretch marks.”
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Method 2

Method 2 of 14:
He might think it’s not a big deal.

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There’s a perception that most—if not all—guys use porn. Chances are, his friends are doing it, too. With porn being so readily available on the Internet, it’s very common.^{[3]
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Research source} Experts estimate that 60 to 70% of men watch porn regularly.^{[4]
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Research source} If it bothers you that he watches porn, talk to him about it.
- Start the conversation by saying, “Hey, I realize we’ve never talked about our porn habits. It’s been a while since I’ve watched any porn. How often do you watch it?”
- If you’d like him to stop, you could say, “It really bothers me that you’re watching porn. Would you be open to changing your habits now that we’re in a relationship?”
- People of all genders watch and enjoy porn, and there’s nothing wrong with that. If it bothers you, you need to tell your boyfriend so he knows how you feel.

Method 3

Method 3 of 14:
He doesn’t view it as cheating.

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People have differing opinions about whether or not porn is cheating. In general, guys who watch porn don’t think they’re doing anything wrong.^{[5]
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Research source} However, porn can be a form of cheating if that’s how you feel. In that case, you’ll need to talk to him about it so you can set some relationship boundaries regarding porn.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.}^{[7]
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- You could say, “I felt really betrayed when I found out you watch porn. To me, that’s cheating because you’re going outside our relationship for sexual pleasure. I really want you to stop watching porn.”
- As another option, say something like, “I know a lot of people watch porn, but it makes me really uncomfortable. Would you consider giving up porn for our relationship?”
- Keep in mind that you can’t make him stop watching porn, and he may decide he doesn’t want to stop. At that point, you’ll need to decide if you can accept his decision to watch porn. If not, it may be best to find a partner who shares your values.
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Method 4

Method 4 of 14:
You haven’t agreed as a couple to avoid porn.

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When you started dating, you might have assumed he’d give up porn. It’s common for people to think a relationship means all forms of intimacy come from your partner. However, many people feel like it’s fine to look at porn, even if they’re committed to someone else. Both opinions are valid, but he may be open to changing his mind.^{[8]
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- Tell him, “I was shocked when I found porn on your phone yesterday because I thought you stopped watching it when we got together. I realize that I wasn’t being fair to you by making assumptions. Can we talk about this?”

Method 5

Method 5 of 14:
He may need it to masturbate.

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It’s totally normal and healthy to masturbate.^{[9]
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Research source} Both you and your boyfriend need the space to masturbate when you feel like it. For some guys, watching porn is the easiest way to get off. He may even feel like he can’t masturbate without it.^{[10]
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- Respect your boyfriend’s need to masturbate because it’s totally normal and healthy for him to do it. He may be open to doing it without porn. Say, “I didn’t realize you needed porn to masturbate. Would you be open to trying something else?”
- You might suggest that he use a suggestive photo or video of you to masturbate. Alternatively, you could try sexting.
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Method 6

Method 6 of 14:
He might be lonely.

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Watching porn can create a feeling of intimacy when you’re lonely. It’s possible your guy has learned to go to porn when he’s feeling a bit neglected. Having someone sexually stimulate him can offer fulfillment that he isn’t receiving.^{[11]
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Research source} If this is the case, you might be able to help him feel less lonely by spending more time with him or helping him find a new interest.
- You might say, “You’re so important to me. If you’re feeling lonely, I’ll be there for you. Don’t hesitate to call or text me.”

Method 7

Method 7 of 14:
He may feel like he isn’t getting enough affection.

1
Although it’s not physical, porn can still fulfill needs for affection. Everyone needs human affection, like hugging, holding hands, or kissing. A lot of this affection is non-sexual and comes from family or friends. If your boyfriend isn’t getting enough affection, he might watch porn and masturbate to fulfill his needs.^{[12]
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- Giving him more affection might help him feel less reliant on porn, but there’s no guarantee this will work.
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Method 8

Method 8 of 14:
He could have higher sexual needs than you do.

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It’s totally normal for partners to have different sexual needs. Your boyfriend might need sex more often than you do. Since his desire isn’t going away, he’s decided to use porn to meet his needs. He may think that he’s respecting your desire for less sex by masturbating.^{[13]
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- You could say, “I totally understand why you need to masturbate. I was wondering if you could do it without watching porn?”
- It’s not fair to ask your boyfriend not to masturbate, especially if his sexual needs aren’t being met. However, he may be open to doing it without porn if this is really bothering you.
- If you feel comfortable, consider giving him sexy pictures of yourself to use for sexual stimulation instead of porn.

Method 9

Method 9 of 14:
He might have a secret fetish or kink.

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It’s totally okay to have a fetish or kink. A fetish is something that you need to get aroused, while a kink is something you add to sex or masturbation to make it more erotic or pleasurable.^{[14]
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Research source} For some people, porn is a safe environment to enjoy a fetish or kink without involving other people or admitting to their secret.^{[15]
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- Your boyfriend might think you aren’t interested in his kink or fetish, so he uses porn to satisfy it. Talk to him about it! Say, “I noticed links to bondage porn in your search browser history. I’d be open to trying that with you if it’s something that turns you on.”
- For example, feet are a common fetish. In this case, your boyfriend might need to look at feet to feel aroused. Similarly, bondage is a common kink.
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Method 10

Method 10 of 14:
He might want to explore his sexuality.

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Porn can be a safe way for people to explore their sexuality. Your boyfriend can watch different sexual scenarios and explore various kinks and fetishes. There’s nothing inherently wrong or unhealthy about doing this. If you’re open to it, watching porn with him could help you explore your sexuality as a couple.^{[16]
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- Experts are divided about whether or not porn has harmful effects. However, porn can make some people desire unrealistic sexual scenarios and can make some people dependent on porn for sexual satisfaction.^{[17]
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  Research source} If this happens, working with a couple’s counselor can help.

Method 11

Method 11 of 14:
He may use porn because he feels sexually inadequate.

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Porn can't judge his size or performance, and that’s comforting. It’s common for guys to feel a lot of pressure to be good at sex. Sometimes, this pressure becomes overwhelming, making sex with a partner less fun. When this happens, your partner might turn to porn for easy sexual release.^{[18]
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- Fortunately, you may be able to help your boyfriend with this problem by providing lots of reassurance and being more vocal about how much you enjoy sex with him.
- Say things like, “You’re an amazing lover,” “You were so good tonight,” or “This feels so good!”
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Method 12

Method 12 of 14:
You may have other problems in your relationship.

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Porn use is often associated with secret keeping and lack of intimacy. Over time, these problems can erode the trust in your relationship. Fortunately, you can fix these issues by talking to your boyfriend.^{[19]
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- For example, let’s say your boyfriend is hiding his porn use. Say something like, “I’ve noticed you’ve been disappearing for a few hours and that you always hide your phone. I feel like you’re not being open and honest with me.”
- Similarly, let’s say your boyfriend watches porn and masturbates instead of having sex with you. Start a conversation about it by saying, “I’ve really been missing the intimacy between us. I think it would be fun to try some new things to improve our sex life. What do you think?”

Method 13

Method 13 of 14:
He could be addicted to porn if it’s interfering with his life or your relationship.

1
Watching porn doesn’t mean he’s addicted, but porn addiction does happen. Overcoming a porn addiction can be hard, but it’s possible with support. If you suspect your boyfriend might have a porn addiction, it’s best to see a couple’s counselor. Here are some signs he might be addicted to porn:^{[20]
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- He’s stopped having sex with you.
- He’s asking you to engage in scenarios he saw in porn.
- He’s neglecting his work and responsibilities.
- He turns to porn as a coping mechanism.
- He spends a lot of money on porn.
- He feels powerless to stop watching porn.
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Method 14

Method 14 of 14:
He’s the only one who can truly tell you why he’s doing it.

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The only way to know for sure is to have “the talk.” Choose a time when you’re feeling calm because he’ll be more receptive to what you have to say. Tell him that you know he’s watching porn, and listen to his perspective on why he does it. From there, you can tell him what your preferences are when it comes to porn.^{[21]
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- Start the conversation by saying, “I found porn in your browser history yesterday, and it surprised me. I was hoping we could discuss how often you’re looking at porn and why you feel drawn to it?”
- If you don’t want him to watch porn, tell him why it bothers you. You might say, "I don't like you looking at other women, so I want you to stop watching porn." He may refuse to stop, and that’s his choice. If he keeps using it, you may have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you.