How to Start a Relationship With a Guy

Co-authored by Christina Jay, NLP and Janice Tieperman

Last Updated: January 26, 2021 References

Starting a new relationship can be incredibly daunting, especially if you don’t know what to expect. There’s no way to predict or guess what another person wants, so it’s important to focus on what you’d like to get out of the relationship. Starting something new can be hard, but there’s nothing to be afraid of—just focus on being as honest and open as possible with the guy that you’re interested in.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:
Testing the Waters

1
Focus on what you’re attracted to the most in a guy. Think about what really turns you on, whether it’s a physical quality or something more emotional. Keep an eye out for guys who embody a lot of the traits that you like, which will help you decide who’d be a good candidate as a potential boyfriend.^{[1]
X
Research source}
- For instance, if you like guys who are a bit outspoken, look for a guy who seems to make the first move.
- If you prefer a more shy, reserved kind of person, keep an eye out for a guy who keeps to himself.
2
Look for signs that the guy is interested in starting a relationship. Watch for small things that he does, like holding the door or saving you a seat somewhere. While you can chalk these behaviors up to chivalry, they may be a sign that a guy wants to take things to a more romantic level with you.^{[2]
X
Research source}
- Inside jokes are another great sign that you’re close with someone.
3
Search for new life experiences instead of searching for yourself. Try not to use the excuse of “finding yourself” too often—while it’s important to take time to recharge, don’t use this time as a reason to give up on starting a new relationship. Instead, try to put yourself out there, even if you’re nervous. You may be surprised at how many opportunities are available to you!^{[3]
X
Research source}
- For instance, you can head out to a club for an hour or so instead of spending a night at home.
4
Pay attention to any red flags that the guy gives off. Be on the lookout for any obvious turn-offs, like someone having a rude personality or acting disrespectful of your boundaries. While there’s nothing wrong with seeing the good in people, don’t let optimism blind you to the facts of a situation. It can be difficult to let go of a possible connection, but it’s always better to wait for someone who will treat you properly.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- For instance, if you’re with a guy who tries to make decisions for you, like which movie you’ll see a theater, it might be a bad sign for the rest of the relationship.

Method 2

Method 2 of 4:
Building a Solid Foundation

1
Ask him what he likes in a partner. See if you both have any similar turn-ons, or if you’re compatible for one another in some way. If you both don’t have much in common, you can save yourselves a lot of trouble by be opening about your likes and dislikes in a potential partner.^{[5]
X
Research source}
- For instance, if he’s interested in girls who like outdoor activities, it might be a turn-off if you’re only interested in indoor activities.
- Turn-ons and turn-offs aren’t the deciding factor of a relationship, but they can give you a basic idea of how things may pan out.
2
Disregard any insecurities that tell you you’re not good enough. Keep in mind that doubts and self-criticisms are completely normal, and commonplace when you’re thinking about starting a new relationship. You may be feeling inadequate, or creating a list of everything you don’t like about yourself. Ignore these thoughts, and follow through with what you desire. If you want to strike up a conversation with someone, don’t let your insecurities stand in the way.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- For instance, instead of thinking: “What if he doesn’t like me?” you can think something like “I have a lot to offer in a relationship, and I have nothing to worry about.”^{[7]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Christina Jay, NLP
  Dating & Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 11 February 2020.}
3
Make decisions about your potential relationship independently. Don’t be tempted to ask your parents or guardians for “permission” regarding your relationship. Instead, acknowledge that any new relationship is your own choice and responsibility, and no one else’s. Focus on your own desires and priorities in a relationship instead of worrying about what anyone else wants.^{[8]
X
Research source}
- It’s totally okay to ask loved ones for advice about a new relationship, but you shouldn’t have to worry about getting their “blessing.” At the end of the day, your relationship is your decision!
4
Stay confident in your own identity and interests.^{[9]
X
Expert Source

Christina Jay, NLP
Dating & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 11 February 2020.} Don’t try to become a carbon copy of the guy’s opinions and interests—this will look disingenuous, and ultimately will be a turn-off. Instead, let your partner know when you disagree with whatever he has to say. Disagreement doesn’t have to negative; in fact, it can lead to some really positive, engaging conversations where you get to know one another better!^{[10]
X
Research source}
- For instance, if he talks about how soccer is his favorite sport, you can mention that you like basketball more.

Method 3

Method 3 of 4:
Maintaining Open Communication

1
Communicate clearly without playing games. Let the guy know if you’re interested in starting a relationship.^{[11]
X
Expert Source

Christina Jay, NLP
Dating & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 11 February 2020.} Don’t worry about playing hard to get, or sounding a certain way in your texts. Instead, focus on being as honest and clear as possible. You’ll be saving yourself (and your potential partner) a lot of trouble and heartache in the long run!^{[12]
X
Research source}
- For instance, you can say something like: “Hey! I really appreciate your friendship and I think I’m ready to take things to the next level. Would you wanna go out sometime?”
2
Look for nonverbal signals that he’s giving off. See if he’s crossing his arms or refusing to look you in the eye—these could be signs that he’s closing himself off, or that he’s not engaged in whatever you’re talking about. Similarly, watch for moments where the guy turns away from you in the conversation, as this can be a sign that he isn’t interested.^{[13]
X
Research source}
- For instance, if the guy crosses his arms while you’re talking about the future of your relationship, he might not be willing to think that far ahead.
3
Take time to listen to him. Focus on whatever he has to say, even if it seems insignificant at the time. Get in the habit of sincerely listening in every conversation—this will really go the extra mile in your relationship, and show that you really care about what he has to say.^{[14]
X
Research source}
- It’s easy to get caught up in your own thoughts during a conversation, but try to anchor yourself in what the other person is saying.
4
Let him know when something is bothering you. Don’t keep your emotions bottled up, as this will just lead to more conflict further down the line. Instead, take time to express yourself clearly and effectively without saying anything hurtful. Your relationship won’t get off the ground if you keep your emotions and thoughts hidden from view.^{[15]
X
Research source}
- For instance, you can say something like: “Can I talk to you about something? I’ve been feeling a little stressed since yesterday, and I just want to clear the air.”

Method 4

Method 4 of 4:
Pacing the Relationship

1
Prioritize emotional bonding over sexual intimacy. Write down a list of your priorities for the relationship, focusing specifically on your emotional needs. Spend your time getting to know him better instead of trying to take things to the next level. When you have a tight emotional bond, it’ll be easier to pursue a sexual avenue in the relationship.^{[16]
X
Research source}
- If sex is the only thing tying your relationship together, you may need to reevaluate both of your priorities.
- Focus on activities that help you both get to know one another emotionally. This could be something as simple as playing a video game, or sitting down and having a long conversation.
2
Stay calm instead of posting a lot on social media. Resist the temptation to tell everyone about your new boyfriend; instead, try to keep things as low-key as possible. Wait until your relationship is a few weeks or months old before you start posting a lot of pictures and sappy posts on social media. If you’re overly enthusiastic, it might be overwhelming or unappealing to the guy.^{[17]
X
Research source}
- While it’s always great to start a new relationship, you don’t want to put all of your hopes and dreams in one guy. Just have fun with the relationship—you can figure out later if you’ll work well together in the long-term.
3
Share details about yourself gradually. Trust is an important part of any relationship, but it’s not something that’s earned overnight. Give your relationship time to develop and grow stronger; over the first few days and weeks, you can start sharing more information about yourself as you both go closer. Keep in mind that the beginning of your relationship isn’t a race—it’s a long-term process where you’ll get closer and closer with someone.^{[18]
X
Research source}
- For instance, you can share a story or 2 from your childhood on your first date instead of spilling your entire life story.

Community Q&A

Question

How do you build a relationship with a guy you like?

Christina Jay, NLP
Matchmaker & Certified Life Coach
Christina Jay is a Matchmaker and Certified Life Coach based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Christina is the founder of Preferred Match (preferredmatch.ca), her matchmaking service that finds love for successful and elite individuals. She has over 10 years of coaching experience, earned her NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) certification through NLP Canada Training, and has a BA in Business Administration from Brock University.

Christina Jay, NLP

Matchmaker & Certified Life Coach

Expert Answer

Be yourself. Try your best to be calm, open, and honest. Avoid overthinking it, as this person may like you just as much as you like them.
Question

How do you tell a guy you like him?

Christina Jay, NLP
Matchmaker & Certified Life Coach
Christina Jay is a Matchmaker and Certified Life Coach based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Christina is the founder of Preferred Match (preferredmatch.ca), her matchmaking service that finds love for successful and elite individuals. She has over 10 years of coaching experience, earned her NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) certification through NLP Canada Training, and has a BA in Business Administration from Brock University.

Christina Jay, NLP

Matchmaker & Certified Life Coach

Expert Answer

The best approach is to be direct, but that may not be for everyone. Try giving them some compliments here and there. That can be more than enough for them to know that you're interested in them.