How to Respond when Someone Says They Have Depression

Last Updated: December 24, 2021 References

It’s likely that at some point in your life, you’ll know someone who struggles with depression. If a friend or family member has disclosed their depression to you, you’re likely wondering how you can help support them. Depression is a serious illness, and responding in a constructive way after someone talks to you about their mental health is important. We’re here to help by walking you through how to respond when someone tells you they have depression.

Method 1

Method 1 of 11:
Let them know you care about them.

1
A simple “I care about you” is what a lot of depressed people need to hear. When someone discloses their depression to you, they need to hear that they matter to other people. Fill that role for them by immediately giving them a simple expression of support like, “I’m here for you” or “You mean a lot to me.”^{[1]
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Trustworthy Source
Health.gov
Online collection of health and fitness standards set by the U.S. Office of Disease Prevention and Health Promotion
Go to source}
- Confessing your depression to someone can be scary. Reassure your friend by saying something like “Thank you for feeling comfortable enough to tell me this. It really means a lot.”
- Many people immediately rush to saying something like, “Stay positive” or “Snap out of it.” Avoid doing this, since it can be very painful for someone with depression to hear. They’re likely already trying to manage their feelings as best they can.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 11:
Give them a hug or a hand squeeze.

1
Physical touch in tough situations can be extremely comforting. After someone first discloses their depression to you, or after they’re done explaining what they’ve been going through, give them a hug to let them know you’re their for them. If you’re sitting down, a hand squeeze can also be appropriate.^{[2]
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- Some people may not feel comfortable with being physically touched, and you should respect these boundaries. If you aren’t sure if a hug is appropriate, it’s okay to ask by saying something like, “Can I give you a hug?”

Method 3

Method 3 of 11:
Tell them these feelings can be overcome.

1
Depression does not have to be a life-long condition. Reassure your friend that they’re not alone by saying something like “Depression isn’t anything to be ashamed of—many people experience it and recover. You won’t have to deal with this forever.” Giving your friend some hope of recovery is important, since many people with depression feel fated to suffer forever.^{[3]
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Trustworthy Source
Health.gov
Online collection of health and fitness standards set by the U.S. Office of Disease Prevention and Health Promotion
Go to source}
- You can also tell your friend something like “I know it can be hard to have hope some days, but you won’t feel like this forever, even if it feels that way sometimes.”
- It’s best to be careful about giving someone with depression too many opinions about how they can make things better. They’re likely looking for someone to listen to them, not to offer solutions that they’re likely already aware of. A gentle reminder that depression isn’t permanent is enough.^{[4]
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Method 4

Method 4 of 11:
Remind them depression is not a character defect.

1
Depression is an illness and needs to be treated like one. Many people with depression feel like they’re weak or feel guilty for their condition in other ways. Avoid telling someone with depression to just “snap out of it,” and instead offer emotional support by saying something like “You’re not a weak person for having depression. You’re strong for being able to struggle with these feelings, and I want to be here for you while you do it.”^{[5]
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Trustworthy Source
National Institute of Mental Health
Informational website from U.S. government focused on the understanding and treatment of mental illness.
Go to source}
- Although the causes of depression are still being studied, psychologists agree that it’s a combination of genetic, biological, environmental, and psychological factors. In other words, it’s not a choice to be depressed.^{[6]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  National Institute of Mental Health
  Informational website from U.S. government focused on the understanding and treatment of mental illness.
  Go to source}

Method 5

Method 5 of 11:
Share your own experience with depression.

1
If you’ve struggled with depression, your personal experience is valuable. Talking about how you felt when you were depressed can help your friend feel less alone. Be careful with immediately offering solutions, and instead start by talking about how you felt with depression. Remember that everyone’s experience with depression is different, but you may find some points of connection.^{[7]
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- You might say something like “I remember those feelings of depression really well. It felt impossible for me to ever get out of bed, and I would just start crying at the most random times.” If your friend asks you how you recovered, explain, but otherwise get back to performing the role of a good listener for your friend.
- If you haven’t personally struggled with depression, it’s best not to try and tell your friend that you can relate to their feelings. Depression goes beyond normal sadness, and if you haven’t been affected personally by it, you can be a better source of support by just listening.
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Method 6

Method 6 of 11:
Do the things with them that you would normally do.

1
You already have a relationship with your friend, and depression doesn’t change this. A depressed person still has the same interests and passions as before, even if their illness can make it difficult to engage with them anymore. You don’t need to only talk about depression with your friend—ask them about other aspects of their lives so that your friend can have interactions that aren’t solely about their depression.^{[8]
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- If conversation is a little too tough, doing something like watching a movie or TV, taking a walk, or listening to music together can help your friend feel less alone.^{[9]
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Method 7

Method 7 of 11:
Plan activities with them.

1
A future trip can give your friend something to look forward to. Tell your friend something like, “Maybe we could go to the beach next week” or “Let’s go watch a movie on Thursday.” Try not to draw attention to their depression when you make these suggestions—depressed people can often feel like a burden, and you don’t want to make it seem like you’re only spending time with them out of obligation.^{[10]
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Method 8

Method 8 of 11:
Make practical offers of support.

1
Help your friend with tasks like groceries, transportation, or childcare. Depression can make it difficult for a person to accomplish daily activities, and your support can really make a difference. Sending your friend a text like “Hey, I’m at the grocery store—can I pick anything up for you?” will let them know you care about them and make their life a little bit easier.^{[11]
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- While helping out your friend with small tasks is a good idea, try not to do everything for them. It’s important for someone with depression to do things for themselves as well so that they can regain control over their own lives.^{[12]
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  Trustworthy Source
  Mind
  U.K.-based mental health charity focused on providing advice and resources to anyone facing mental health problems.
  Go to source}

Method 9

Method 9 of 11:
Ask them if they’ve had thoughts of hurting themselves.

1
A friend with major depression is at risk of suicide, and you need to prevent this. Although talking about suicide can feel terrifying, it’s important to bring this topic up if you think your friend may be suicidal. Ask them something like, “I care about you a lot, and I need to know if you’ve have thoughts about hurting yourself.”^{[13]
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Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- If your friend says yes, please get in touch with their other close friends and family immediately. If you can reach their doctor or a mental health professional that works with them, do so. Although keeping your friend’s experiences confidential is important, this situation is too serious to not seek help.^{[14]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}
- You can also find support and guidance with the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Contact 1-800-273-8255 to speak with a trained counselor.^{[15]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}
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Method 10

Method 10 of 11:
Encourage them to seek help.

1
Most people with depression need treatment to recover. Luckily, there have been major strides in both medication and therapeutic interventions that have been scientifically proven to help treat depression. Encourage your friend to seek these options out by saying something like, “I know you’re going through a lot now, but I really think talking to a professional can help you sort out your feelings. Can I help you find an appointment?”^{[16]
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Trustworthy Source
National Alliance on Mental Illness
Grassroots mental health-focused organization providing resources, support, and education for those affected by mental illness
Go to source}
- Helping your friend get treatment by offering transportation to their appointments or help finding a therapist can be really invaluable. Try your best to help your friend stay on track with their treatment plan when they get one by checking-in on them once in a while.^{[17]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  National Alliance on Mental Illness
  Grassroots mental health-focused organization providing resources, support, and education for those affected by mental illness
  Go to source}

Method 11

Method 11 of 11:
Look out for your own health as well.

1
Caring for someone with depression can feel like an overwhelming responsibility. You owe it to both yourself and your friend to keep healthy yourself. Don’t be too hard on yourself if your friend is sometimes angry or distant from you—remind yourself that you’re trying your best. Check-in with your friend regularly, but you don’t have to be on call 24/7.^{[18]
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- Maintaining your own life is important. Make sure you have time for exercise and relaxation, as well as pursuing your own interests.^{[19]
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