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Dealing with an apology from a narcissist can be an awkward experience. You may be feeling anger and frustration, but also guilt and a desire to be the bigger person. Narcissism is a serious personality disorder, but many people have found ways to manage relationships with narcissists in healthy ways, without constantly giving in to a narcissist’s demands. We’ll walk you through how to respond to a narcissist’s apology, and also give you some other tips for navigating this relationship, so that you can feel secure, healthy, and loved.
Steps
Method 1
Method 1 of 11:Recognize the signs of a bad apology.
Method 1
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1Accept an apology only if it’s not purely self-interested. A narcissist doesn’t care that you’ve been hurt, but they do care about losing their control over you, and so they often provide manipulative and bad apologies.[1] Keep a look out for some of these signs of a bad apology:[2]
- Phrases like “I’m sorry that you got upset” or “I’m sorry that you felt bad” that shift the blame to you, rather than to their actions.
- Empty apologies that simply say “I’m sorry,” without any further substance.
- An incomplete apology, which goes further than “I’m sorry,” but doesn’t express any regret or give any sign that they plan on changing their behavior in the future.
- Phrases that deny that the narcissist did anything wrong in the first place, like “It wasn’t my fault”
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Method 2
Method 2 of 11:Ask them if they can see your perspective.
Method 2
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1Narcissists lack empathy, so give them a test. Part of a good apology means understanding the extent to which your actions affect and harm others. When responding to a narcissist’s apology, try to see if you can get them to understand the hurt you feel. After a narcissist apologizes to you, ask them a question like, “How do you think I felt when you did this?” or “Did you think about how your actions would affect me when you did them?”[3]
- A complete narcissist won’t be able to empathize with you at all, but if their narcissism hasn’t quite reached that point, you might be able to use this empathy to help rebuild your relationship.[4]
- If the narcissist is unable to give you any sign that they understand your perspective, communicating with them will continue to be a challenge. There is simply not enough room, in the narcissist’s world, for both you and them to have equally important concerns.[5]
Method 3
Method 3 of 11:Communicate your boundaries clearly.
Method 3
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1Narcissists don’t respect boundaries, so you need to enforce them. When a narcissist apologizes for crossing the line with you, assume that there’s a good chance that it will happen again. Let them know that if they act in a similar way in the future, there will be consequences, and keep your word. Open up this conversation by saying something like, “It’s time for us to establish boundaries in our relationship.”[6]
- For example, if you’re dealing with a narcissist parent, you might say something like, “If our next conversation devolves into a screaming match, and you call me names again, I’m going to have to reduce the frequency of our calls from weekly to monthly.”
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Method 4
Method 4 of 11:Let them know you’re disappointed in them.
Method 4
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1If your relationship with a narcissist is important, be gentle but firm. Talking about a narcissist’s hurtful behavior damages their image of self-perfection and can lead to anger and defensiveness. Calmly and respectfully tell them something like, “I’m very disappointed in you because of what you did, and am struggling to find a way to trust you.”[7]
- Respect yourself—don’t lie to preserve their feelings, and make it clear that their actions have harmed your relationship.[8]
Method 5
Method 5 of 11:Tell them you won’t accept an apology at the moment.
Method 5
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1Try not to force yourself to forgive before you’re ready. It’s important to avoid trying to please or appease a narcissist at the expense of yourself. You are never obligated to accept an apology, even if you’re being guilt-tripped into it. You can instead say something like, “I’m not in a place to forgive you at the moment, but thank you—I needed to hear this apology.”[9]
- You can also say something like, “While I appreciate the time you took to give me this apology, I’m still pretty hurt, and just not ready to accept it at the moment. We might be able to try and repair our relationship in a few months time.”
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Method 6
Method 6 of 11:Keep yourself safe from an outburst.
Method 6
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1Narcissists are prone to lashing out, so deescalate conflicts. If you’re having a difficult conversation with a narcissist, leave the room if they become aggressive with you. Arguing with a narcissist rarely works out, since they’re unlikely to hear you, no matter how reasonable you are. It’s best to just say something like, “I disagree with your assessment of me,” and try to steer the conversation in a more constructive direction.[10]
- Remember that narcissists are often acting out of a place of deep woundedness. This can cause them to harm others, because they themselves are experiencing pain. Have some empathy for this situation, but don’t tolerate any abuse.[11]
Method 7
Method 7 of 11:Set expectations for your relationship.
Method 7
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1Ask yourself what this relationship provides you and what it costs you. It can be helpful to write down your feelings about your relationship with a narcissistic person, so that you can more clearly understanding your thinking. A narcissist can never provide you with true love, but your relationship may be able to offer you other things, so take stock of them.[12]
- If you know you can’t expect affirmation and love from a narcissist, don’t ask them for this when they apologize—instead, seek these things out elsewhere, and ask the narcissist to work on things that may be more manageable, such as respecting your boundaries.[13]
- If you realize that your relationship with a narcissist is costing you far more than it provides, its OK to take a step back from it. This can be especially difficult if the narcissist is in your family, but even limiting your contact can help you feel more secure.[14]
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Method 8
Method 8 of 11:Be prepared for the narcissist to take revenge.
Method 8
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1Narcissists are used to calling the shots, and won’t like not having this power. If you don’t respond to their apology with total forgiveness, they might try to punish you by distancing themselves, making new demands in your relationship, or otherwise trying to manipulate you. You can’t control their actions, but you can stand firm on being treated the way you deserve to be.[15]
- Narcissist’s don’t forgive easily if they feel hurt. If a narcissist pushes away from you, let them—if they do care about you, they’ll come back.[16]
Method 9
Method 9 of 11:Accept that you can’t fix a narcissist.
Method 9
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1Avoid falling into the trap of thinking that a narcissist might change. Understand that a narcissist is likely never going to change, so all you can do is manage your own relationship to them, so that you can preserve your dignity and happiness.[17]
- This is a serious personality disorder, and it takes a lot of therapy and counseling to remove a narcissist’s fixation on a grandiose version of themselves—therapy that most narcissists, unfortunately, are unlikely to commit to.[18]
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Method 10
Method 10 of 11:Find a support system that treats you how you deserve.
Method 10
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1Some narcissists isolate you to keep control over you. Therefore, it’s important to cultivate relationships with a variety of different people through work, volunteering, or other social activities. Finding other, more affirming relationships will give you a greater sense of security, and keep you from getting dragged down by a narcissist.[19]
- A narcissist will try to make you believe you’re a far worse version of yourself, but don’t fall for it. Buying into the narcissist’s vision of who you are will only keep you from removing their hold over you.[20]
Method 11
Method 11 of 11:Seek a therapist to recover.
Method 11
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1Dealing with a narcissistic relationship can take a serious toll on your mental health. It can also impact the way you interact with others in the future, and the amount of trust you can place in your relationships. Don’t let a single individual dictate your life—talk to a therapist or another mental health professional to strategize plans for recovery and rebuilding confidence in yourself.[21]Advertisement
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References
- ↑ Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker. Expert Interview. 11 April 2019.
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2016/11/the-4-types-of-ineffective-apologies
- ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
- ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
- ↑ Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/narcissism-demystified/202006/7-ways-set-boundaries-narcissists
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
- ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/make-it-right/202010/how-recognize-and-respond-fake-apology
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
- ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
- ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
- ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
- ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0092656603001247
- ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0092656603001247
- ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/arduous-work-of-treating-narcissism-therapists-guide-0112174
- ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/arduous-work-of-treating-narcissism-therapists-guide-0112174
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
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