How to Get over Insecurities After Being Cheated on

Co-authored by wikiHow Staff

Last Updated: October 22, 2021 References

It’s perfectly normal to feel insecure after someone cheats on you. Whether infidelity ended your relationship or you’re trying to work through it with your significant other, there are bound to be trust issues down the road, and that’s okay. Fortunately, there are things you can do to get over your insecurities and feel safe in a relationship again. Try the methods in this article to start your journey toward becoming a more secure you again. You can get through this!

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:
Improving Confidence and Self-Esteem

1
Focus on your own health and well-being. Putting more energy into yourself builds your self-esteem. Take all that energy you put into your relationship and channel it towards things like personal hygiene, healthy eating habits, and exercise. When you look and feel good, you’re bound to feel more secure in your own skin after your partner’s infidelity.^{[1]
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- Don’t feel guilty about splurging on yourself during this difficult time. Go get a haircut, a makeover, a mani/pedi, or buy a new outfit! Whatever helps you feel better about yourself is great.
2
Take up doing something you love again. This can help you feel like the old, more confident, you again. Think about hobbies or activities you stopped doing because of your relationship. Choose something that makes you feel happy and secure and start doing it again!^{[2]
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- When you’re in a relationship, it’s normal for you to start doing more shared activities with your significant other. After cheating, these activities may become pain points, so taking up an old pastime of yours again can help fill the void.
3
Become more independent. Not feeling dependent on a relationship makes you more secure in life. Make time to do things with your own friends and focus on your career and financial independence. Make a list of some self-improvement goals to work towards to become more independent and secure in yourself.^{[3]
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- If you’re newly single because of being cheated on, having plenty of things of your own going for you also makes you a more attractive and more interesting potential partner to new people you meet.
4
Make a list of your good traits. When you’re feeling insecure, it’s important to remember your own worth. Think about all the personality traits that make YOU a good partner, rather than the areas where you feel lacking. Consider all the ways that you made/make your partner’s life better.^{[4]
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- For example, maybe you’re funny, kind, compassionate, and a strong communicator. Maybe in your relationship you made your partner feel loved, supported, and happy.
- If you’re recovering after a breakup caused by your ex’s infidelity, listing all your good traits and what you have to offer to a future partner can help you feel more secure in a new relationship down the road.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:
Repairing the Relationship

1
Ask the person why they cheated. If you want to stay together after an affair, the truth helps heal. Sit down with the person who cheated on you or talk over the phone and ask them to be completely honest about what led them to be unfaithful. It’s probably going to hurt at first, but once you have all the facts it’s easier to move forward and overcome your insecurities.^{[5]
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- No matter what they say, remember that it’s NOT your fault that your significant other cheated on you. Even if there were issues in your relationship, the decision to cheat was made by the other person.
2
Be open and honest about absolutely everything. Complete honesty is the only way to restore trust in a relationship after an affair. Keep each other in the loop about everything in your lives including spending, trips to the gym, chores, errands, work, and social interactions. Make it clear to your partener that, for you to trust them again, they can’t keep anything from you.^{[6]
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- If you’re trying to fix your relationship after your partner cheats, it’s absolutely vital that you have completely open and honest communication about the affair. Only then can you start to rebuild trust and security in the relationship.
3
See a relationship counselor. Getting professional help can provide valuable guidance.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} If you are deciding to stay with the person who cheated on you and work through it, visit a marriage counselor together to talk through issues in a safe space.^{[8]
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- If you’re feeling depressed or experiencing serious anxiety after being cheated on, seeing a therapist on your own is a really good idea as well. It’s never shameful to ask for help!^{[9]
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  Expert Source
  
  Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
  Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
  Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.}
4
Start the relationship over together if you both want to. Cheating doesn’t always have to end a relationship. In fact, if you’re both committed to your relationship, it can become stronger in its own way after you move past this. However, make sure that your partner accepts full responsibility for their actions, offers a sincere apology, and promises never to do it again. If you accept their apology and want to stay with them, start working together to rebuild trust in the relationship.^{[10]
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- To successfully rebuild a relationship after your significant other cheats, make sure to address any underlying issues in the relationship. These could be things like lack of communication, not spending enough time together, or physical intimacy issues, for example.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:
Leaving Insecurities Behind for Future Relationships

1
Journal your thoughts. Writing about your feelings helps you get them out and process them. Whenever you’re feeling overwhelmed by thoughts about being cheated on, grab a piece of paper and a pen and start writing down everything that’s on your mind. Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, and grammar — just get it all out!^{[11]
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- After you finish journaling, you can try tearing up the piece of paper and throwing it out to symbolically get rid of all your negative feelings.
2
Trust yourself to take care of you. This empowers you to not rely on a relationship for security. Trust in yourself to take care of your own needs, maintain your self-identity, and be honest with yourself about your feelings and desires. Trust yourself to be able to walk away from a bad relationship and still be a fully-functioning, self-confident individual.^{[12]
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- Like all parts of recovering after someone was unfaithful to you, trusting yourself 100% takes time. But with patience and practice, you can get there!
3
Try meditation. Meditating can help create peace of mind in your life. Sit somewhere quietly with your eyes closed and focus on your breathing and how your body feels. Whenever thoughts come into your mind, acknowledge them, then push them out and let them drift away like a ship sailing out to sea.^{[13]
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- With practice, meditation can be a powerful tool to prevent you from dwelling on specific thoughts about being cheated on, while still acknowledging them.

Community Q&A

Question

Can a relationship go back to normal after cheating?

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Raffi Bilek is a couples counselor and family therapist, and the Director of The Baltimore Therapy Center, LLC. With more than ten years of experience, he specializes in helping individuals, couples, and families save and improve their relationships. He enjoys training other therapists to work with couples through the most difficult situations, including infidelity, divorce, and more. Raffi holds a Bachelor's degree in Computer Science from Brown University and a Master's degree in Social Work from The Wurzweiler School of Social Work.

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C

Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical

Expert Answer

Possibly, but it takes a lot of work. Trust takes time to build, and it often requires radical transparency from the cheating partner.
Question

How do I fix my ruined relationship?

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Raffi Bilek is a couples counselor and family therapist, and the Director of The Baltimore Therapy Center, LLC. With more than ten years of experience, he specializes in helping individuals, couples, and families save and improve their relationships. He enjoys training other therapists to work with couples through the most difficult situations, including infidelity, divorce, and more. Raffi holds a Bachelor's degree in Computer Science from Brown University and a Master's degree in Social Work from The Wurzweiler School of Social Work.

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C

Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical

Expert Answer

Take time to visit a professional counselor. Damaged relationships are very hard to deal with on your own, and it helps to have a professional who can navigate you through the process. Even if you don't see a counselor, it will take a lot of open, empathetic discussions to work through things.