How to Get Your Ex Back Using the No Contact Rule

Co-authored by Kai Hynes

Last Updated: December 6, 2021 References

Have you just been broken up with but you know in your gut that you still have a chance at making things work? Try using the No Contact Rule to get your ex back. Basically, the No Contact Rule states that if you temporarily stop talking to your ex after a breakup, there’s a chance they’ll miss you and want you back in their life. It also doubles as a way to give yourself time to heal and get over your ex, so there’s really no harm in giving it a try! To help you out, we'll walk you through exactly how to use the No Contact Rule to get your ex back.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:
Beginning the No Contact Period

1
Tell your ex you think you should stop talking for some time. This is a mature and respectful way to initiate the No Contact Rule, as opposed to cutting off communication without letting them know what’s going on.^{[1]
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Research source} Call or text your your ex a few days after the breakup to tell them you won’t be contacting them for the time being.
- Tell your ex “I don’t think we should talk for a while,” or “I need some time alone.”
- Be vague about how long the silence will last. The uncertainty will help push your ex to decide if they want to save this relationship.
- Don’t tell your ex you’re using the No Contact Rule. This method works best if they don’t know it’s temporary.
2
Follow the No Contact Rule for around 4 weeks. Setting an end date to your silence can motivate you to maintain the No Contact Rule, even after it feels unbearable. 4 weeks is generally considered an adequate amount of time for your ex to change their mind about the breakup if they’re going to do it.^{[2]
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Research source} To put the the No Contact Rule into action:
- Ignore texts, calls, DMs, and emails from your ex. Likewise, don’t send any of these to them.
- The goal of No Contact is to make your ex miss you. The only way to get you back in their life is to give the relationship another try!
- If you don’t get back together and your ex moves on, No Contact will help you move on as well. It’s a win-win situation!
3
Use the Limited Contact Rule if you have to see each other in-person. There are times when following the No Contact Rule is physically impossible, like when you work or go to school together. In cases like these, switching over to the Limited Contact Rule is more realistic than switching jobs or schools.^{[3]
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Research source} To use the Limited Contact Rule:
- Don’t start conversations with your ex. If they talk to you first, keep your response brief but polite.
- For example, if your ex asks how you’re doing, respond with “I’m doing alright, thanks for asking. It’s good to see you!”
- If you’re angry or cold towards them, they might think “good riddance,” which definitely won’t make them want to get back together!
- You can still follow these procedures if you’re doing No Contact but run into your ex in public.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:
Maintaining the No Contact Period

1
Ignore your ex’s texts, calls, and emails. Your ex may try messaging you just to talk with you and get your attention. Unless they initiate a conversation about seriously wanting to get back together, don’t respond! The goal here is to make them feel like you might be out of their life forever unless you both try again.^{[4]
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- If you respond to your ex’s messages immediately, you risk making them think you’ll stay in their life even if you’re not together.
- You’re essentially playing hard to get! Make your ex fight for your attention.
2
Focus on your own life. Being in a relationship may have changed how you live your life. Rather than dwelling on missing old routines, use this time apart as a break and an opportunity to give yourself some much needed “me” time.^{[5]
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- Spend time with friends and family, devote energy to your hobbies or career, and set new personal goals for yourself.
- Distract yourself from post-breakup doom and gloom and rebuild your self-confidence!
- Remember that the No Contact Rule is also meant to help you heal in the case that your ex doesn’t want to get back together.
3
Use social media and mutual friends to stay on your ex’s mind. If you’re worried your ex will forget about you while you’re ignoring them, stay on their social media feed and in the mouths of mutual friends to constantly remind them of you.^{[6]
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- Staying social and active can make your ex realize they miss being a part of your exciting life.
- Make posts about fun things you’re doing to make your ex feel like they’re missing out.
- Be positive and fun around mutual friends to give them a reason to tell your ex how much they miss having you around.
4
Don’t badmouth your ex. It might be tempting to complain to your friends and the internet about how much you hate your ex for leaving you. Just know that these words could get back to your ex! If they find out you’re saying nasty things behind their back, they might not want to get back together.^{[7]
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- You don’t have to praise your ex. Just try to remain neutral or positive about how you’re feeling toward them.
- For example, if someone asks if you’re still friends with your ex, just say “We’re not really talking at the moment. But maybe one day!”

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:
Ending the No Contact Period

1
Reach out to your ex after the No Contact period ends. After your 4 weeks (or however long you decide) are up, it’s time for you to try contacting your ex. But don’t make it obvious that you’re trying to get back together. Reach out like you’re talking to an old friend about something that made you think of them.^{[8]
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- Start the message by acknowledging the silence. For example, “Hi, sorry I wasn’t responding to your messages. I just needed some time alone.”
- Then, bring up something nostalgic, like “I was just at our favorite restaurant the other day” or “I finished that TV show we started watching.”
- Follow this up with “I was just thinking about you. How are you?”
- Ideally, this conversation should develop into reminiscing about the relationship so your ex realizes how much they missed talking with you.
2
Discuss the breakup in-person. After you’ve established contact with your ex, you’ll need to address the elephant in the room. However, this part of the conversation is best done face-to-face: just like no one likes being broken up with over the phone, no one likes talking about breakups over the phone.^{[9]
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- Initiate this with something like, “It’s really nice talking to you again. Would you ever want to meet up for coffee or a meal some time?”
- Once you’ve met up and chatted for a bit, bring up the breakup by asking, “Can I ask where you think our relationship went wrong?”
- Respectfully listen to your ex’s opinions. More arguments won’t fix this relationship.
- If your ex starts being defensive, be the bigger person. Stay calm and positive to prove that you’ve grown a lot since you last spoke!
- For example, if your ex says you weren’t supportive, say, “I’m sorry for making you feel like that. That’s something I’m really trying to work on.”
3
Commit to a better future together. After the two of you have finished discussing your past relationship, it’s time to start looking toward the future. When you pop the big question, make sure you can assure your ex that you’ve changed a lot in your time apart, and that things could be different this time.^{[10]
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- Try following up your conversation about the breakup with “Would you ever try to make it work again?”
- Approach this part of the conversation sensitively. Your ex has a right to say no, even after talking things out together.
- If your ex says yes, be sure you can deliver your promise that things will be different. Learn from the conversations you’ve been having.
- Remember that getting back together is a beginning, not an end!