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This article was co-authored by Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT and by wikiHow staff writer, Megaera Lorenz, PhD. Dr. Jacob Christenson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the CEO of Covenant Family Solutions. With more than 20 years of experience, he specializes in substance abuse issues, parenting, medical family therapy, couples counseling, family therapy, and counseling for treatment-resistant adolescents. Dr. Christenson has also been published in many peer-reviewed journals, including Contemporary Family Therapy: An International Journal and Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. He is an AAMFT Approved Supervisor for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) and a Clinical Fellow for the Iowa Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (IAMFT). Dr. Christenson holds a BS in Psychology from California Polytechnic State University, an MS and PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy from Brigham Young University, and an MBA from The University of the People.
There are 11 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 1,116 times.
Raising a child together is one of the most rewarding and challenging things two people can do. Everyone has their own ideas about how best to raise children, so disagreements are bound to happen from time to time. As frustrating as this can be, it doesn’t have to be a disaster. With a little patience, you and your partner can work together to find a balanced approach to parenting—even if you have totally different styles.
Steps
Method 1
Method 1 of 13:Talk about the problem with your partner.
Method 1
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1If you don’t agree with something they’re doing, tell them. But keep it calm and non-judgmental, and make an effort to really listen to what your partner has to say.[1] Resist the urge to interrupt them or invalidate their feelings—that way, they’ll be more likely to listen to you, too.[2]
- Don’t try to have a big conversation about your parenting conflict in the middle of an argument. Instead, wait for a time when you’re both calm and won’t be interrupted.
- When you talk to your partner, use “I” language and focus on your own feelings, so they don’t feel attacked. For example, say something like, “I feel worried when I see how much candy Talia is eating every day. I’m concerned about the effect it’s going to have on her health.”
- Avoid saying anything that sounds like an accusation, such as, “You’re constantly feeding her junk food! It’s like you don’t even care if she ends up with a cavity!”
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Method 2
Method 2 of 13:Try to see things from your partner’s perspective.
Method 2
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1It’s easier to find common ground if you know where they’re coming from. Your partner’s parenting approach might seem baffling to you, but there’s likely a reason for it. If you’re not sure why they’re behaving a certain way, ask them.[3] The answer might surprise you—and you might even find that you agree with them once you see things through their eyes.[4]
- Phrase questions in a gentle way so that your partner doesn’t feel interrogated. For instance, say something like, “I know you have strong feelings about not wanting to reward the kids for doing chores, but I’m not sure I understand why. What is it that you’re concerned about?”
- Ask follow-up questions and try rephrasing what they say in your own words to make sure you understand. For example, “Okay, it sounds like you’re worried that they’ll only want to do things for a reward and they won’t learn to be responsible that way. Is that right?”
Method 3
Method 3 of 13:Come up with house rules you can all agree on.
Method 3
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1Start by finding some common ground. Sit down and make a list of things you and your partner both agree on. Once you have a list, post it someplace where everyone can see it. Talk to your kids about following the rules, and make sure everyone involved in caring for them enforces them consistently.[5]
- For example, you might find that you both agree on things like bedtime routines, limits on screen time, and what kind of language is acceptable at the dinner table.
- Coming up with rules together is a great way to feel more like a team and create a sense of structure and consistency for your kids.
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Method 4
Method 4
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1You probably agree on a lot of the outcomes you want. You just might not see eye-to-eye on how to get there. Talk about specific goals you’d like to set for your kids and yourselves as parents. From there, you can brainstorm together about the best ways to meet those goals—even if it involves some negotiation and compromise.[6]
- For instance, maybe you both have a goal of helping your child get good grades in school. Instead of butting heads over the best way to do that, sit down as a team and come up with a list of approaches to try.
Method 5
Method 5 of 13:Look for the middle ground when you can’t agree.
Method 5
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1Compromise is an important part of good parenting. Sometimes, you won’t be able to settle on an approach that you both feel good about. When this happens, you’ll need to compromise or negotiate.[7] This might mean agreeing to make 1 or 2 specific changes to your parenting approach in exchange for your partner doing the same.[8]
- For example, you might say to your partner, “Okay, how about we let him stay up until 9:30, but only on Friday and Saturday? That way, he can have a chance to do some stargazing, but he won’t be too tired at school the next day.”
- Or, “I understand that you want her to be responsible for her pet bunny, but I think she’s a little overwhelmed. How about she feeds and waters him, but we help her clean the hutch?”
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Method 6
Method 6 of 13:Allow yourself to be flexible.
Method 6
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1The reality of parenting won’t always match your expectations.[9] If you and your partner are stubbornly set on doing things a certain way, it’s bound to lead to frustration for both you and your children. As much as possible, keep an open mind and be willing to try alternative approaches.[10]
- For instance, maybe you tend to take a stern approach and put your toddler in timeout when they have temper tantrums, but your partner prefers trying to comfort and distract them. Instead of butting heads with them about which approach is better, consider trying it their way—you might find that it actually works!
Method 7
Method 7 of 13:Find ways to complement each other’s styles.
Method 7
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1There’s no one “right” or “wrong” way to be a parent. You and your partner are both going to have different strengths and weaknesses, so look for ways to make that work in your favor.[11] Divide up your parenting tasks so that you can each focus on doing what you’re best at.[12]
- For example, maybe one of you is a more effective disciplinarian, while the other is better at teaching your child new skills.
- Say something like, “I know you find the bedtime routine exhausting, but I think they really need that structure. How about I take care of bedtime most nights, and you can make breakfast in the morning?”
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Method 8
Method 8 of 13:Support each other in front of your kids.
Method 8
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1Even if you don’t agree, try to present a united front. This will help prevent one of you from becoming “the bad guy”—and will also make your child more likely to listen to both of you. When you and your partner disagree, have those discussions privately, away from your child.[13]
- For instance, if your co-parent says “No” when your child asks for a treat, don’t give them the treat or question your partner’s decision in front of them. Instead, say something like, “You heard your mom. No candy until after dinner.”
- Avoid undermining your partner with small, passive-aggressive gestures, like eye rolls or sarcastic remarks.
- Support your partner, but let them know you expect them to do the same for you. If they undermine you, take them aside and calmly explain why it’s important to work as a team in front of the kids.
Method 9
Method 9 of 13:Plan to check in with your partner regularly.
Method 9
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1Parenting involves a lot of trial and error. Your approach to parenting is going to evolve as your child grows, and as you both discover what works—and what doesn’t. As new situations come up, you’re going to find yourselves having new disagreements about how to deal with them.[14] Try to head off any arguments by regularly sitting down and talking about these challenges as a team.[15]
- You can even set a regular schedule for these check-ins. For example, you might meet once a month to talk about how things are going and assess whether anything needs to change. You can always have an “emergency meeting” if something urgent comes up in the meantime.
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Method 10
Method 10 of 13:Set boundaries with your fellow parent.
Method 10
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1Talk to them about which behaviors aren’t acceptable. It’s important to support each other, but that doesn’t mean that anything goes. If you think your partner is doing something that’s harmful to your kids, be firm and explain that you won’t tolerate this behavior. Be clear, honest, and specific, but try to stay calm and non-confrontational.[16]
- For example, you might say something like, “I understand that Caleb’s tantrums can be frustrating, but it really bothers me when you yell at him like that. It scares him and he always acts up even more afterward. We need to handle these situations without yelling or acting intimidating.”
Method 11
Method 11 of 13:Read up on the different parenting styles.
Method 11
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1Understanding the common styles can give you valuable insight. If you and your partner recognize common patterns in your own parenting, it might be easier for both of you to adjust your approach and find the right balance. Most psychologists recognize 4 common parenting styles: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and neglectful.[17]
- Authoritative parenting is often regarded as the most balanced approach. Authoritative parents have high expectations and set a lot of rules for their children, but are also very nurturing and responsive to their children’s needs.
- Authoritarian parents set and enforce lots of rules, and tend to be very strict. They’re less likely to be responsive to their child’s emotional needs, however.
- Permissive parents are nurturing and responsive, but they don’t set or enforce a lot of rules. They might overindulge or “spoil” their kids.
- Neglectful parents are low-nurture, low-demand. They don’t set rules or provide structure, but they are also unresponsive to their children’s needs.
- Most parents use a combination of these styles, and your or your partner’s style may change from one time or situation to another. For instance, you might become more authoritative in situations where you’re concerned about your child’s safety, even if you are otherwise more permissive.[18]
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Method 12
Method 12 of 13:Talk to a counselor if you can’t work things out.
Method 12
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1Parenting conflict can be extremely stressful. If you and your partner just can’t see eye-to-eye, or if you feel like your arguments are having a negative impact on your kids or your overall relationship, therapy can help. Talk to a counselor who has experience working with couples or families. They can help you strategize together and address some of the underlying issues that might be contributing to your conflict.
- If you can’t get your partner to go with you, consider attending therapy on your own. Your therapist may be able to teach you some effective coping and communication skills to help you deal with the situation.
Method 13
Method 13 of 13:Write a co-parenting plan if you don’t live together.
Method 13
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1If you and your partner split up, you can still work as a team. As difficult as it may be, try to communicate often with your fellow parent about how you plan to care for your children—even if you’re no longer together as a couple. This might mean sitting down with them and writing out a plan, and continuing to keep in touch about parenting issues and challenges as they come up.[19] Your plan might include:
- A visitation or shared custody schedule
- Details about how you will deal with your child’s health care and education
- Essential rules that you can both agree on (e.g., things related to your child’s basic health and safety)
- How you will deal with special occasions, such as birthdays and holidays
- An agreement to respect one another as parents—for example, you might both agree to be civil with one another and not to speak negatively about each other to your children
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Community Q&A
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QuestionWhat if you and your partner disagree over parenting styles?
Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFTDr. Jacob Christenson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the CEO of Covenant Family Solutions. With more than 20 years of experience, he specializes in substance abuse issues, parenting, medical family therapy, couples counseling, family therapy, and counseling for treatment-resistant adolescents. Dr. Christenson has also been published in many peer-reviewed journals, including Contemporary Family Therapy: An International Journal and Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. He is an AAMFT Approved Supervisor for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) and a Clinical Fellow for the Iowa Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (IAMFT). Dr. Christenson holds a BS in Psychology from California Polytechnic State University, an MS and PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy from Brigham Young University, and an MBA from The University of the People.
Licensed Marriage and Family TherapistYou'll need a lot of patience to deal with that, as you have to be able to communicate what you're feeling and thinking about the topic ahead. Recognize that the other parent won't change their perspective immediately so you don't set yourself up to failure. -
QuestionHow do you resolve parenting conflicts?Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFTDr. Jacob Christenson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the CEO of Covenant Family Solutions. With more than 20 years of experience, he specializes in substance abuse issues, parenting, medical family therapy, couples counseling, family therapy, and counseling for treatment-resistant adolescents. Dr. Christenson has also been published in many peer-reviewed journals, including Contemporary Family Therapy: An International Journal and Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. He is an AAMFT Approved Supervisor for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) and a Clinical Fellow for the Iowa Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (IAMFT). Dr. Christenson holds a BS in Psychology from California Polytechnic State University, an MS and PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy from Brigham Young University, and an MBA from The University of the People.
Licensed Marriage and Family TherapistDon't try to confront the person in a way that makes them more upset if you want to have an agreement. Start with the positives and with compliments before addressing the things you want to change. Let the other parent process it on their own and you both will probably come to a great resolution.
Warnings
- If you’re concerned that your partner’s behavior is abusive or harmful to you or your child, you may need to end the relationship. Talk to someone you can trust, like your doctor or a therapist, to get advice.Thanks!
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References
- ↑ Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 22 October 2021.
- ↑ https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-family-life-and-parenting/parenting-together/me-and-my-partner-have-really-different-attitudes-towards-parenting
- ↑ Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 22 October 2021.
- ↑ https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-family-life-and-parenting/parenting-together/me-and-my-partner-have-really-different-attitudes-towards-parenting
- ↑ https://www.cdc.gov/parents/essentials/structure/rules.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/our-gender-ourselves/201209/when-parents-have-different-styles-does-it-spell-disaster
- ↑ Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 22 October 2021.
- ↑ https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-family-life-and-parenting/parenting-together/me-and-my-partner-have-really-different-attitudes-towards-parenting
- ↑ Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 22 October 2021.
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/nine-steps.html
- ↑ Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 22 October 2021.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/our-gender-ourselves/201209/when-parents-have-different-styles-does-it-spell-disaster
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/why-you-shouldnt-undermine-your-partners-parenting#1
- ↑ Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 22 October 2021.
- ↑ https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-family-life-and-parenting/parenting-together/me-and-my-partner-have-really-different-attitudes-towards-parenting
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2019/01/how-to-set-boundaries-with-kindness
- ↑ https://www.cnbc.com/2021/06/29/child-psychologist-explains-4-types-of-parenting-and-how-to-tell-which-is-right-for-you.html
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_parenting_is_like_surfing
- ↑ https://raisingchildren.net.au/grown-ups/family-diversity/co-parenting/co-parenting
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/parenting-family/step-parenting-blended-families.htm
About This Article
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
This article was co-authored by Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT and by wikiHow staff writer, Megaera Lorenz, PhD. Dr. Jacob Christenson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the CEO of Covenant Family Solutions. With more than 20 years of experience, he specializes in substance abuse issues, parenting, medical family therapy, couples counseling, family therapy, and counseling for treatment-resistant adolescents. Dr. Christenson has also been published in many peer-reviewed journals, including Contemporary Family Therapy: An International Journal and Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. He is an AAMFT Approved Supervisor for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) and a Clinical Fellow for the Iowa Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (IAMFT). Dr. Christenson holds a BS in Psychology from California Polytechnic State University, an MS and PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy from Brigham Young University, and an MBA from The University of the People. This article has been viewed 1,116 times.
Co-authors: 4
Updated: November 21, 2021
Views: 1,116
Categories: Parenting
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