How to Date Someone Religious when You’re Not (Finding Balance and Respect)

Co-authored by Laura Bilotta and Amy Bobinger

Last Updated: August 17, 2021 References

When you're first starting to date someone, it might seem like you can overcome any hurdle together. Over time, though, it can sometimes be tough to balance big differences—like if one of you is religious and the other isn't. That doesn't mean either of you has to change, though. As long as you respect each other and you're both willing to compromise here and there, you can have a really strong relationship and still each hold onto your beliefs.

Method 1

Method 1 of 7:
Talk openly about faith and what it means to each of you.

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Don't shy away from the conversation because it feels uncomfortable. Be curious about your partner's beliefs, like what religious practices are the most meaningful to them and how their faith influences the decisions they make.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 4 March 2020.} In addition, feel free to talk about what you believe (or don't believe) and why.^{[2]
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- This is a conversation you should have as soon as it looks like you're getting serious—your partner's beliefs might involve abstaining from sex before marriage, or not drinking alcohol, or not marrying someone outside of their faith. It's good to know this early on.^{[3]
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- Keep the communication open as your relationship progresses—beliefs can change over time, and talking about your partner's beliefs can give you insight into their deepest self.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 7:
Look for ways your values overlap.

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You might be surprised how much you have in common. After all, there's something deeper there that's drawing you together. For instance, you might both value traits like honesty, trust, and generosity. You can build your relationship based on those shared values, even if you have very different religious beliefs.^{[4]
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- When you keep your focus on what you have in common, you won't be so bothered by the ways that you're different.^{[5]
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- Try saying something like, "What are some of the most important things your religion teaches?" Then, listen carefully to your partner's answer to try to pull out the core values in each lesson. Are they things that are important to you, too?

Method 3

Method 3 of 7:
Be respectful of their faith.

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Don't put it down, even if you disagree with it. It's okay if you don't believe in God or you think religious ceremonies are a little odd. Just don't scoff every time your partner brings up their faith. That can make them feel like you're belittling something that's really important to them.^{[6]
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- It's okay to acknowledge when you feel differently than they do. Just try to do it in a respectful way, and at least agree to disagree.^{[7]
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- Don't make fun of your partner's beliefs—but if you can keep a sense of humor about your differences, it can help!^{[8]
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Method 4

Method 4 of 7:
Look for things you can learn from their faith.

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Find something meaningful in your partner's spirituality. You don't necessarily have to follow a faith to appreciate it. There's a lot of wisdom to be found in religion, so keep an open mind when your partner talks about their beliefs. You could even attend religious services with them to see what you could learn, if you're open to it.^{[9]
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- For instance, you might find tips on how to be more forgiving, patient, and kind. You might even find insight into how to live a healthier lifestyle.

Method 5

Method 5 of 7:
Don't try to change each other.

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It's okay if you don't have the same beliefs. Appreciate your partner for exactly who they are, faith and all.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 4 March 2020.} In fact, it shows a lot of respect and love if you can encourage them to stay connected to their faith! Similarly, don't let them convince you that you need to convert to their faith in order to be with them. If they don't accept you for who you are, they might not be the right person for you.^{[11]
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- If, one day, one or the other of you changes your beliefs, that's fine! Just don't do it because the other person expects it.
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Method 6

Method 6 of 7:
Talk about how you envision raising your children.

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Being proactive about this conversation can head off tension later on.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 4 March 2020.} If it's really important for your partner to raise their children in their faith, is that something you would be okay with? What if your partner wanted them to attend a religious school? Would you want to encourage your children to explore different religions as well, and would your partner accept that? If there's any chance the two of you could have a family together one day, it's a good idea to talk about this early on.^{[13]
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- If it seems awkward to bring up, try phrasing it in a hypothetical way. For instance, you might say, "If you ever had kids, what would you teach them about your faith?"

Method 7

Method 7 of 7:
Compromise on religious observations and holidays.

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Find out what's really important to each of you. Talk to your partner about whether they're hoping you'll regularly join in any special observations, holiday traditions, or religious services.^{[14]
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Research source} If you're open to it, for instance, you might attend services with them as a respectful observer once a month or so. On the other hand, if you're really uncomfortable with that, you should be really clear about it so your partner doesn't have unrealistic expectations.
- Be sure to be open about what's important to you, too. For instance, if your partner always goes to Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve, you might agree to attend as long as they'll join you for dinner at your parents' house on Christmas Day.
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Community Q&A

Question

How can an atheist date someone religious?

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Laura Bilotta is a Dating Coach, Matchmaker and the Founder of Single in the City, her dating and relationship coaching service based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. With over 18 years of date coaching experience, Laura specializes in dating etiquette, relationships, and human behavior. She is the host of the Dating and Relationship Radio Talk Show on AM640 and on Apple Podcasts. She is also the author of "Single in the City: From Hookups & Heartbreaks To Love & Lifemates, Tales & Tips To Attract Your Perfect Match."

Laura Bilotta

Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Answer

Be respectful. Remember, this is someone you really care about, and their faith is an important part of who they are. If nothing else, try to embrace the positive effects religion has had on them.