How to Build Emotional Intimacy

Last Updated: December 29, 2021 References

People often confuse intimacy with sex, but there are different kinds of intimacy. Emotional intimacy is that connection you have with a partner so you can share feelings and support one another. If you feel like the emotional aspect of your relationship needs work, read through these suggestions. We'll walk you through ways you can improve intimacy in your relationship.

Method 1

Method 1 of 12:
Take your time getting to know them.

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Don't rush the physical aspect if you're in a new relationship. It's easy to get carried away if you're really attracted to someone you've just started dating. Instead of quickly jumping to sex before you make an emotional connection, wait until you're comfortable expressing your feelings with each other.^{[1]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 29 June 2021.}
- For example, go on dates where you talk or experience each other's favorite things. They might take you somewhere that's important to them, like a museum, and you can learn a little about them as a person.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 12:
Ask your partner questions to help them open up.

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Get your partner to tell you how they're feeling, even if it's hard for them. With some people, all you need to ask is, "How are you feeling?" and they'll begin sharing. If your partner isn't as open and you just want to encourage an emotional connection, you might start by asking questions like:^{[2]
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Expert Source

Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT
Licensed Relationship Therapist
Expert Interview. 11 August 2021.}
- "What are you most proud of about yourself?"
- "What's important to you in a relationship?"
- "What's one of your happiest childhood memories?"

Method 3

Method 3 of 12:
Do something surprising and thoughtful for your partner.

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Make new memories to strengthen your emotional connection. Emotional intimacy isn't just about talking about your feelings—it's also a personal connection that you develop through shared experiences. When was the last time you went on a spontaneous date or tried something new together?^{[3]
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Expert Source

Nicole Moore
Love & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}
- For example, tell your partner not to make any plans one night. You might pick them up and take them to an arcade for a few hours of pinball and drinks.
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Method 4

Method 4 of 12:
Try fun activities together to strengthen your relationship.

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Breaking out of your daily routine helps you two create shared memories. If you've been together for a while, you might have a pretty regular routine in place. Try doing something totally new or different so you can interact with each other in a new way. You might take a tennis class together or learn how to throw pottery. Sometimes, seeing your partner in a new light can make you love or appreciate them even more.^{[4]
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- If you're taking a foreign language class together, you might learn that your partner is really outgoing and fun with classmates. You might not see this if you usually spend time together alone.

Method 5

Method 5 of 12:
Tell your partner what you appreciate about them.

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Give your partner words of affirmation so they feel valued. Don't be afraid to say thank you or praise your partner when they do something thoughtful. It's easier to build an emotional connection when you feel valued and appreciated.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 2020 July 21.}
- For instance, say something like, "Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I really appreciate you taking the kids out so I could get a nap," or, "Thank you so much for dropping that package off for me. It made my day a lot smoother."
- Want to really support your partner? Praise them in front of other people. Your partner will feel valued and really appreciated.
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Method 6

Method 6 of 12:
Talk about your fears with your partner.

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Share your worries to show your vulnerable side. Your partner should realize that you're opening up and revealing feelings that are uncomfortable or frightening. This shows that you trust them. Your partner might even be able to help you face your fears or overcome them.^{[6]
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- For example, you might say, "In my past relationships, I've never felt like I was enough. I can't help but feel that you'll find someone better." Sharing your fears could help your partner realize that you need reassurance.

Method 7

Method 7 of 12:
Tell your partner that you want to feel closer.

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Bring up the subject if you're not sure where to start. There's nothing wrong in saying, "I'd like to feel closer to you, but I don't know how to do it." This shows your partner that you're being genuine and vulnerable. Then, they can respond. A simple conversation might be all it takes to start building intimacy.^{[7]
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- They might not have any suggestions or you might have surprised them and they need time to think. It's completely fine to bring up the issue and address it again later once you've both thought about it more.
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Method 8

Method 8 of 12:
Share your emotions and feelings.

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Allow yourself to be vulnerable and completely honest. Although it sounds simple, telling your partner how you're feeling—exhausted, anxious, joyful, you name it—keeps the line of communication open so they're aware of how you're doing.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.}
- It might take you some time to feel comfortable sharing your feelings and that's okay! You might find it easier to start with simple emotions or share when you're happiest, but challenge yourself to open up even when you're frustrated, disappointed, or sad.
- For instance, instead of not speaking to your partner when you're mad at them, tell them how you're feeling. Say something like, "I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now. I could really use your help getting some things done around here."

Method 9

Method 9 of 12:
Listen to your partner without trying to change them.

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Give them a chance to speak about their feelings without judgment. Put aside distractions like your phone or laptop and pay absolute attention to what they're saying. Your goal is to create a safe, supportive relationship where you both feel comfortable talking about how you truly feel without fearing the other person will criticize.^{[9]
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- Setting aside whatever it is you're doing shows your partner that you value them and your relationship above everything else.
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Method 10

Method 10 of 12:
Have serious relationship talks when you’re calm.

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Use conflict as an opportunity for communication. Instead of avoiding a serious conversation or a fight, wait until you're both calm and put aside time specifically for talking. Then, take turns sharing how you feel or explaining what's wrong. Don't interrupt your partner when they speak and give them your full attention.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 2020 July 21.}
- For example, don't spring the conversation on your partner as soon as they've walked in the door or immediately start yelling. Instead, pick a quiet, calm time and say something like, "There's something really important I need to discuss with you. Could we talk sometime?"
- If your conversation starts to get heated and emotions run high, it's completely fine to say something like, "I think we need to cool off for a little while and talk about this again later."

Method 11

Method 11 of 12:
Think of your partner as your teammate.

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Remind yourself that you're a couple and you care about each other. Avoid trying to "win" or get the better of your partner. Since your relationship isn't a competition, put yourself in your partner's shoes and try to understand where they're coming from. This can help you both work through a problem or challenge in your relationship.^{[11]
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- Arguments often get worse if one of you tries to blame the other person for the problem or issue. Instead of focusing on blame, talk about how you two as a couple can feel better and enjoy each other's company again.
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Method 12

Method 12 of 12:
Make sex about an emotional connection.

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Prioritize sexual satisfaction by talking about what you both like. Emotional intimacy isn't completely separate from physical intimacy. In fact, having sex with your partner can make you feel more emotionally connected, especially if you're sharing what turns you on. Make eye contact and tell them how you're feeling while you're having sex. For instance, you could say, "I love it when you hold onto my waist," or, "Tell me what you'd like to do to me right now."^{[12]
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- You might find that you feel more open or vulnerable after sex, so it's easier to share your feelings and emotions.
- To feel more connected, have sex when you both have time to fully unwind and enjoy each other's company.