How to Be a Good Mom when Depressed

Co-authored by wikiHow Staff

Last Updated: December 7, 2021 References

Being depressed doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom. Living with depression can make the stresses of parenthood seem unbeatable. But these stresses can be overcome, and if you’re a mom who’s experiencing this now, know that you can make it through. You’re not alone, and many other parents are dealing with the same issues. We’re here to help you and provide some information that can help you be a good mom when depressed.

Question 1

Question 1 of 5:
Understanding Depression in Moms

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Depression is both a serious and common illness. Women are especially susceptible: in fact, 1 in 10 women report symptoms of a major depressive episode each year. Research has shown that 1 in 8 mothers experience postpartum depression during pregnancy and soon after giving birth.^{[1]
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Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
Main public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human Services
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- If you’re experiencing a depressive episode, it’s helpful to track when your symptoms started. You may be affected by perimenopausal depression, where symptoms appear before menopause. Talking to a doctor about the onset of your symptoms can help you beat them.^{[2]
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  Johns Hopkins Medicine
  Official resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins Hospital
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- You might also be suffering from another kind of depression, such as Seasonal Affective Disorder, where depression is tied to the time of year. Knowing the timing of your depressive episodes can help you plan for them in advance.^{[3]
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  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
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Question 2

Question 2 of 5:
Treatment for Depression

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See a therapist soon if you aren't already. Bring up your anxieties around being a mom. A good therapist can provide a space for you to recover and heal. With science-backed techniques like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), you can beat your depression, and get back to enjoying your life.^{[4]
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- CBT is effective at helping depressed parents. By offering strategies to overcome the challenges that depression poses, you can regain a sense of control over your life.^{[5]
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Work with a psychiatrist to see if medication can help. A psychiatrist can prescribe you a treatment plan to get you back on your feet. Many depressed parents use a combination of therapy and medication to allow them to be the best support for their kids that they can.^{[6]
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- If you’re already on medication, be sure to make regular appointments with your doctor to mitigate any unwanted side effects. You deserve a treatment plan that allows you to live your life as easily and healthily as possible.
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Question 3

Question 3 of 5:
How Parental Depression Affects Kids

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Be aware of some of the risks that come from having a depressed parent. Parental depression shapes a child’s experience of the world. Studies have shown that depressed mothers tend to be less emotionally responsive to their children, which can change how children act with others. Depression can also cause parents to isolate their families, and limit their child’s interactions with the world.^{[7]
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- Don’t let this information discourage you. Suffering from depression doesn’t make you a bad mother. But being aware of some of the issues that can come up while parenting with depression can help you take steps to counterbalance them.
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Be transparent about what you're going through if your child is older. You don’t have to appear invincible to be a good mom. Depending on the age and maturity of your child, it may be time to talk to them about what you’re going through. If your child is older, they may already be familiar with what depression is, and can be another source of support for you.^{[8]
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- Children are perceptive: they can tell when something is emotionally off-balance. By addressing your depression head-on with your child, you can teach them to trust their instincts, and help them make sense of something they probably already know.^{[9]
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- Open this conversation by saying something like, “You know I love you more than anything in the world, but sometimes I feel sorta sick, and it hurts me that I can’t always spend as much time with you as I want.”^{[10]
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Have as many conversations with your child as you need. Try your best to express yourself, and remember you can always have another conversation later if you need to. You don’t need to cover everything during a single conversation.^{[11]
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- If you’re finding it too hard to talk to your child about this issue, then you can invite them to sit in on a therapy session with you. A trained professional can help you navigate this conversation.^{[12]
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Protect your child by encouraging their resiliency. All children will face negative experiences in their lives, but by developing your child’s resiliency, you can help them adjust to the difficulties that come from having a depressed caregiver. Research has shown that some ways to increase resiliency include:^{[13]
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- Building a sense of self-efficacy and perceived control: let your child make decisions for themselves, so that they can feel in command over their own lives. For younger children, you can start by having them make smaller choices, like what to have for dinner.
- Providing opportunities for self-reliance: let your child deal with conflicts at school or in other parts of their lives without your assistance. Step in only when there is a danger to their safety.
- Mobilizing sources of faith and cultural traditions: educate your child on traditions that they share with other people. By allowing them to feel tapped into a bigger network of people who share their values, they’ll feel more ready to take on the world.
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Question 4

Question 4 of 5:
Keeping on Top of Mom Duties

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Create a list of ‘mom-stuff’ so you don’t lose track. Often, depression can make us unable to meet our commitments. For example, children with depressed parents are often late for or miss school. Having a weekly list made in advance will help keep you on task.^{[14]
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- When making your list, start by writing down any regular responsibilities you have, like doing laundry and making dinner. Then, add any special commitments you have, like going to your child’s sports event. As you finish each task, cross it off, and enjoy your feeling of well-earned accomplishment.
- Don’t be afraid to delegate tasks if you don’t feel up to doing them. Reaching out to a partner, family member, friend, or even acquaintance, can help you manage your responsibilities when they come up.
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Join a mom’s group or reach out to nearby family and friends. It takes a village, especially when you’re depressed. The goal here is to find people who you and your children trust, so that you can share some of the load when it comes to raising your kids.^{[15]
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- Loved ones who live far away can also be an important part of your support system. Keep in touch with friends and family, especially ones who are parents themselves, and can relate to your struggles.
- If you’re looking for another group of moms to help out with childcare duties, try talking to parents at your child’s school events. It can feel awkward at first, but chances are there are plenty of people there who are happy to help. You don’t need to disclose any of your depressive symptoms in order to ask for a helping hand.
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Make your children feel special when you feel strong. This might mean taking them out on a special trip or treating them to a nice dinner. It could also mean just spending time with them at home, and being attentive when they talk about their days. Remember that even in the worst depressive episodes, there will always be some moments of relief.^{[16]
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- Don’t take it personally if your children aren’t up to doing something adventurous when you want to. They might be busy themselves, or have their own stresses to work through. But when you feel good, try to spend that time with them in a meaningful way—you won’t regret it.
- Remember that ‘good enough’ is fine. There is no need to be a perfect parent, and no one ever is. Often, depressed people put too much pressure on themselves, and feel like failures if they can’t meet their own expectations. Stay away from this kind of trap.^{[17]
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Take motherhood less seriously. Parenthood is a marathon, not a sprint. If you make a mistake, like missing an event at your child’s school, don’t beat yourself up over it. There are plenty of opportunities for growing your relationship with your child.^{[18]
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- On the flip-side, some depressed parents become hyper-invested in their child’s life. If you find yourself becoming a bit of a ‘helicopter parent,’ and not letting your child have their own space to make decisions, it might be time to give them some room to grow.^{[19]
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Question 5

Question 5 of 5:
Being Prepared for Emergencies

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Make a Wellness Recovery Action Plan and give copies to people you trust. In this document, you should include information like the numbers for your therapist and psychiatrist, phone numbers for friends and family who have been helpful in the past, and information on things that have helped you deal with a crisis in the past. ^{[20]
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National Alliance on Mental Illness
Grassroots mental health-focused organization providing resources, support, and education for those affected by mental illness
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- Keep copies of this document accessible in case of an emergency, so that a loved one can get you help when you need it.^{[21]
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  National Alliance on Mental Illness
  Grassroots mental health-focused organization providing resources, support, and education for those affected by mental illness
  Go to source}
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If you find yourself having suicidal thoughts, seek help immediately. Call National Suicide Hotline at 800-273-8255. You owe it not only to your kids to stay safe, but also to yourself. You have value, even if you can’t always see it, and there is a place for you in the world.

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