How to Ask Your Partner for More Intimacy

Co-authored by Hannah Madden

Last Updated: November 23, 2021 References

No matter how long you’ve been in a relationship with someone, there are always new things you can learn about your partner. Finding the right things to ask can be a little challenging, which is why we’ve put together a list of the top questions you can ask your partner to get to know each other a little more. The next time you have a romantic evening in with your partner, ask them some of these questions to increase your intimacy and grow closer together as a couple.

Method 1

Method 1 of 15:
“What are 3 things you and I have in common?”

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Learn a little more about how your partner views your relationship. Try to get your partner to dive deep, and talk about things like your morals, your values, and your personalities. You can tell a lot about how your partner thinks about your relationship when they answer this question. Try other ones, like:^{[1]
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- “What do you like most about our relationship?”
- “What do you like doing with me?”
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Method 2

Method 2 of 15:
“Are you happy with how often we spend time together?”

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Check in about your quality time and your partner’s happiness. If you two don’t live together, they might be missing you throughout the week. Or, your partner might feel like they need a little more alone time, which is a great thing to discuss as a couple. You could also ask questions like:^{[2]
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- “Do you like texting throughout the day, or do you prefer talking face to face?”
- “How much alone time do you think you need?”

Method 3

Method 3 of 15:
“What are 3 things I do that you couldn’t live without?”

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See what your partner appreciates most about you. If your partner loves it when you take over a chore for them, they might really appreciate acts of service. If they love it when you give them a hug at the end of a long day, they might really like physical touch. Follow up with other questions like:^{[3]
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- “What’s your favorite way to express love?”
- “What is your love language?”
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Method 4

Method 4 of 15:
“What is your biggest fear?”

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Learn what your partner is afraid of to understand them better. Some people might simply answer with something like “spiders” or “the dark,” but other people might dive a little deeper, with things like “being alone,” or, “living life with regret.” Try to get into these more intimate answers to understand your partner a little better and learn more about what motivates them. You might also ask:^{[4]
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- “What were you most afraid of as a kid?”
- “Are you still scared of the dark?”

Method 5

Method 5 of 15:
“What job would you have if money wasn’t a factor?”

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Sometimes our dream jobs just aren’t realistic. You can learn what your partner dreams of doing if they had all the time and money in the world with this simple question! Not only will you learn more about their goals in life, but you might learn what they like to do for fun, too. You could also ask something like:^{[5]
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- “What did you want to be when you were growing up?”
- “Did you always want to be a (current profession)?”
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Method 6

Method 6 of 15:
“What’s the most important thing on your bucket list?”

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Find out what your partner wants to do before they kick the bucket. We all have a bucket list in our heads, even if we haven’t written it down on paper. You can ask your partner this question to hopefully help them achieve that goal, whether that’s now or way, way in the future. Try asking other questions too, like:^{[6]
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- “What’s something you want to do before you die?”
- “If today was your last day on earth, what would you do?”

Method 7

Method 7 of 15:
“What would you do if you won the lottery?”

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Let your partner indulge in their wildest fantasy. See what they would do with an almost unlimited amount of money—they might be practical and say that they’d pay off their debts and buy a house, or they might go crazy and travel the world or go on a shopping spree. It can tell you a lot about how your partner spends their money. You can also ask questions like:^{[7]
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- “What would you do if someone handed you $100,000 right now?”
- “What’s the most amount of money you’d need to live comfortably?”
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Method 8

Method 8 of 15:
“What makes you laugh the hardest?”

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Your partner might tell you a hilarious story you’ve never heard before. Or, you might just learn a little bit more about their sense of humor. Figuring out what makes someone laugh is a great way to get them giggling, and it’s something you can use all throughout your relationship. Try asking other questions, like:^{[8]
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- “What’s the funniest thing that happened to you this week?”
- “When’s the last time you laughed so hard that you cried?”

Method 9

Method 9 of 15:
“What makes you feel accomplished?”

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Learn more about what makes your partner feel proud. If they’re really into their career, they might talk about finishing a work project or getting a thumbs up from their boss. If they have a hobby they’re super into, they might talk about learning a new skill or meeting up with other hobbyists. You can also ask things like:^{[9]
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- “When was the last time you felt really proud of yourself?”
- “Do you like it when other people praise you?”
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Method 10

Method 10 of 15:
“What do you value most in a friendship?”

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Your partner's friends can tell you a lot about them. Whatever your partner values in a friendship, they probably value in a relationship, too. Things like loyalty, honesty, and kindness go a long way in a lot of friendships. You can also ask things like:^{[10]
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- “What are some friendship deal breakers you have?”
- “Describe your best friend in 3 words.”

Method 11

Method 11 of 15:
“When did you last cry in front of someone?”

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Have your partner open up about their emotions with you. Talking about a sad time can be pretty tough, so be prepared to comfort your partner as you two talk. You can also learn how they express their emotions—if the last time they cried in front of someone was a long time ago, they might be a little hesitant to talk about their feelings. Try other questions like:^{[11]
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- “How do you cheer yourself up when you’re feeling down?”
- “Who’s your go-to comfort person?”
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Method 12

Method 12 of 15:
“What’s your favorite way to spend the day off?”

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See how your partner likes to relax with this simple question. Learning how someone lowers their stress levels is very important in a relationship—there’s a good chance you’re going to have to help them relax at some point. Take note of what they like to do to unwind, and ask them other things, like:^{[12]
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- “How do you practice self-care?”
- “What’s your go-to activity for de-stressing after work?”

Method 13

Method 13 of 15:
“If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you go?”

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See if your partner ever wants to branch out and go somewhere else. Maybe they’re perfectly fine staying where they are now, or maybe they’d like to go somewhere wild, like overseas. This doesn’t mean you have to make any moving plans, but it can be a nice way to see how your partner might want to live in the future. Ask other questions too, like:^{[13]
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- “If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?”
- “What do you like the most about where we live right now?”
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Method 14

Method 14 of 15:
“What embarrassing moment do you think about often?”

1
Find out what your partner still thinks about at night. We all have those embarrassing moments that pop into our heads from time to time, and it can be a fun way to open yourself up to someone. If your partner is feeling shy, try sharing your own embarrassing moment first. Then, ask other questions like:^{[14]
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- “What’s an embarrassing moment from your childhood?”
- “When’s the last time you felt really embarrassed?”

Method 15

Method 15 of 15:
“What are your long-term goals?”

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Learn more about where your partner sees themselves in the future. Long-term goals are super important to touch base on, especially if your relationship is getting serious. You can talk about career plans, living situations, and family planning, too. Follow up with more questions like:^{[15]
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- “Where do you see yourself in 10 years?”
- “What’s the biggest thing you want to accomplish in your life?”
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